Dr. Earl R. Smith II

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95 Responses to “Are you more likely to help someone who has been supportive or grateful for past help you have given them?”
1.
August 22nd, 2007 at 3:43 pm e
Alex Roth – The question is so rarely asked as a bold faced forward leaning declarative explanation of how “things work” in the transaction cycle. Having been part of the help others who will help you approach, being in the long term full time recruiting cycle and more recently on corporate side of things, the answer is Y-E-S. You always remeber those who have done and equally always remeber those of who did not, when you called and asked for help.
It is so clearly a function of dealing with people who like to deal with you..that it is one of the very few truisms I have found to be effective over the long haul.
2.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:30 pm e
Chris Grayson – Excerpt from Jeffrey Gitomer’s Little Black Book of Connections:
PAGE 1:
All things being equal, people want to do business with their friends.
PAGE 2:
All things being not quite so equal, people STILL want to do business with their friends.
Links:
http://www.ChrisGrayson.com
3.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:35 pm e
Ana Nobre Rebelo Gonçalves – The best way to lose a friend is to make business with him.
You cannot mix frienship with professional behaviour.
If your friend is a great worker, he will be put aside because everybody will evaluate his performance towards your support.
If your friend proves not to fit the position, you will be the one to blame, and your friendship will be affected.
There are lots of ways to express gratitude if you own a favour to him (invite he and his family to a nice weekend or something). Professionaly you can introduce him to other influent people, open some gates, but that’s all.
Giving him THAT opportunity because you let your expert judgment mix with emotions, may lead both of you to unconfortable positions and some critical persons may see that as an unethical behaviour.
4.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:37 pm e
Charlie Bernard – believe being best “qualified” must take into consideration the interpersonal and behavior traits of the person as well as skill. So for the individual who you already know something about (friend or not) I would not ignore that important information. So if they are equal in skill and I could only pick one – I would absolutely go with the individual who I already have insights and trust to how they manage relationships provided of their skill/knowledge base is acceptable.
5.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:39 pm e
Alex Roth – The question is so rarely asked as a bold faced forward leaning declarative explanation of how “things work” in the transaction cycle. Having been part of the help others who will help you approach, being in the long term full time recruiting cycle and more recently on corporate side of things, the answer is Y-E-S. You always remeber those who have done and equally always remeber those of who did not, when you called and asked for help.
It is so clearly a function of dealing with people who like to deal with you..that it is one of the very few truisms I have found to be effective over the long haul.
6.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:40 pm e
Suzanne Miles – I look for people who may ready to see the “gem” – these are the people I seek to influence. I look for the people I trust.
7.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:41 pm e
Norm Mckean – It would not affect my decision at all. It is not my place to determine the fate of others.
8.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:42 pm e
Jim Holtzman – Many of my professional friends, including some that work for me became friends because they are skilled people and I trust their skills and judgement (or have grown to at least over time). By definition, most of those “friends” became friends due to their abilities. So in that case, I would likely hand the assignment to a friend rather than someone who is not a friend, but it is in many ways a proxy for the best person.
Gratitude or favors are not a driver for me by the way. I help others professionally or otherwise in return for the hope that someone, not necessarily them, will help me when I need it and in the hope that the actual recipient will help someone else when they need it as well.
Now if someone has tried to harm me, that is a different situation and I would be reluctant due to lack of trust that they would actually do the job and not turn it into a political game.
But to finally answer the question simply as asked as well, I hand out assignments based upon my expectation that it will be done successfully.
9.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:44 pm e
Steven Burda, MBA – Wondeful question! I like “to give” more than “to receive.”
10.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:45 pm e
Chuck Radcliff – Probably…
Once bitten, shame on you… Twice bitten, shame on me…
As for passing out leads… ask yourself this… Who would be best to handle it? Who would get the best results? If this is not business related, they consider friendship also.
From your questions, it sounds like it might be an issue for you to not be made to feel appreciated. (Please don’t take this the wrong way) Think about it. Its not a bad thing, but don’t let it interfere in the best move forward. Feel good in the knowledge that you did something good to help out someone else.
11.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:46 pm e
John Carlisle – If both applicants are equally qualified for the opportunity then yes, the person that is more grateful and / or supportive will probably get the job. If they were sincere then I consider it part of being personable.
12.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:47 pm e
Sheilah Etheridge -If it is a job opportunity I will pass it on to the most qualified. If I have two very qualified people and I am closer to one than the other then of course the one I am closest to gets it first.
The main thing for me is not if they have done me a good deed, but whether they do a good deed for others in general. We are not always repaid directly, but that is fine as long as they are willing to help others as well.
Not everyone expresses their gratitude the same so sometimes you need to watch for it in more subtle ways.
13.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:48 pm e
Bhupesh Singh – If one started to weigh numerous factors in deciding to help people, and if the person who took the initiative to help first had done the same, one would never be in a position to reciprocate. Just help if you can and forget about it.
14.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:49 pm e
Sean Rattigan – A lot of good answers here! It is a very interesting question from a “decision making” perspective.
A caveat of deciding good decision making criteria- I read once about a couple, John and Mary, who were trying to decide on a new car. John had always driven a Toyota but wanted to be open to other possibilities. Having drafted a number of criteria and weightings from which to determine their next vehicle, they began awarding points under the various headings to the the models they considered purchasing. After totting up the scores, the winner was… the Volkswagen. “That cant be right,” uttered John as he began to re-jig the weightings in his spreadsheet. After correcting some obvious errors, the top scoring car was… the Toyota! “Thats better- I knew there was something wrong” smiles John.
Unfortunately we often make up our minds BEFORE we begin an evaluation, and then look for reasons to support our initial point of view, whether it proves to be right or wrong! It seems to be a part of human nature, but at least we can be aware of it.
In this case, the nature of the opportunity must also have a bearing- is it a “once-off” or will it require co-operation over a protracted period of time?
Such issues can be factored into a weighting scheme, as can the degree of friendship…. somewhat mechanical approach but certainly unambiguous!
That said- people do business with people. I would prefer to work with a competent friend or colleague.
15.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:50 pm e
Larry Lawfer – I am far more likely to refer someone who is the exact right fit for the person I am referring them to. The referred has far more chance for further referral if they follow standard polite procedures and thank those who were involved in their new opportunity. You should do this right away before any outcome. It is likely I will be contacted about you if I have referred you. It is better for you if you have called to thank me and to find out all that I know about the referral. This is just good business.
16.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:51 pm e
Dave Clare – Gday Dr. Earl,
I am always going to help those that have helped me over someone who hasn’t (if I couldn’t physically help both at the same time). Unless the situation is extreme or life threatening then whoever is in danger most gets the help (women and children first!). I am also more likely to help someone who is willing to help themselves first too.
17.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:51 pm e
Denny Mathews – I would give it to my known associate. In the world today, it’s always about “who” you know rather than “what” you know. One added benefit is that there wouldn’t have to be a personality screen check because you would know the person and full aware of their work ethics & loyalties. Therefore, I would give it to my friend.
18.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:53 pm e
Ken Schneider – Past experience with a person has influence your decision, but I would use my current relationship as the guiding light.
In your example where you are referring someone to an opportunity, the driving relationship to me is the people you are referring too. So with that as a guide, I would refer the best individual (that you are aware of) for that situation regardless of your past interactions with them. Depending upon the depth of my relationship with those I am referring to, then I would probably make them fully aware of my support, but also make them aware of my past with said individual.
Hope that’s no too obtuse, but I believe in your example you need to move forward and not let the past hold you back.
19.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:53 pm e
Michael Sakraida – Very simple: 1) if you’ve helped me in the past or have been appreciative of prior help which I gave you, I’ll go way out of my way to help you; 2) the same help will be extended by me for friends of the people I noted in #1 above, as long as they don’t fall into #3. 3) I won’t in any way help those who haven’t acknowledged prior help I’ve given them or people who I consider “toxic”. Toxic people are downers and overly critical.
20.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:54 pm e
Ana Lydia Ochoa – In the past, I would always forward a great opportunity to a friend first. Of course, their experience and match to that new oppportunity were a major factor.
Being that I learned, the hard way, that you don’t always know 100% about a person when it comes to their career, I am very cautious on who I recommend and make sure that I use specific examples.
Most importantly, trust your gut. If it says be cautious – more than likely, stay away from that person.
21.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:55 pm e
Erika Standke – I am willing to help anyone with the necessary qualifications. But yes, past experiences would affect my speedy delivery of assistance, especially if the person was able to connect me in all the right places. I have referred friends in the past, but only those who I know are capable of being professional in that particular atmosphere.
22.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:56 pm e
Gloria Viseras – Yes, a past experience with a person will most likely influence my interaction with him/her from then on, especially a bad experience. I think that politeness, friendliness and gratitude are extremely important qualities in a professional environment. I tend to look for those qualities in friends as well so yes; I would help a qualified friend before I help a qualified person whom I’ve had a bad experience with.
23.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:57 pm e
Jennifer (Ano) Cole – I would absolutely reciprocate. Naturally there would be circumstances that would rank/qualify all the ‘contenders’, but follow your instincts. You probably already have a good idea of who will really value your help or who would benefit the most. IMO, it should be about putting your gift to the best use, not necessarily who deserves it more.
24.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:58 pm e
Colleen McLean Williamson – Yes. If their qualifications were equal and I had a personal or business connection with one of them…I would be more apt to choose the one with whom I had the connection.
25.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:59 pm e
Mark Plant – I think some established synergy between me and the other parties would have an influence on such a decision, assuming I have a free choice.
I have worked on the support desk, where I had to help many people who expressed absolutely no gratitude at all, but I still had to help them. It gave me the greatest pleasure and nothing motivated me more than to listen to some gormless moron exhibiting his total ignorance to me.
26.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:59 pm e
Cynthia Gilmer – Absolutely. Business relationships are give and take. I will offer help to anyone at some level, but as a relationship grows, I find that I’m willing to go that extra mile for people who have proven that they return the help and support in my own times of need. I believe that eventually “business relationships” transform into “business friendships”, where help and support becomes second nature to both parties.
27.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:00 pm e
Blake Ratcliff – First, if you want someone to appreciate you / like you more you will fare better if you ask there support or help from time to time. If your requests are reasonable and productive, asking for help is a great way to build strong relationships. You should be able to verify this fact with some research.
Corollary to this, most people are more likely to help someone they have helped in some manner before. Perhaps surprisingly, this does not imply that having been helped we will be more grateful in the future.
28.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:01 pm e
Mitchell Goldstein – All of the above. I am more likely to help someone that I can trust to take advantage of the opportunity (it is my reputation too, if I recommended the person), someone who has been grateful for help in the past (if I have helped him before), or someone who has helped me. Sometimes, pay it forward is a good mantra, so long as the person does not diminish my own reputation.
29.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:02 pm e
Michael Hackmer – While experience and skill are critical components in hiring anyone, in my opinion, a person’s willingness or ability to be supportive and express appreciation are part of the total equation. You are never hiring someone based on skills alone, because often – personality and success have some connection. So, I would be more likely to help someone is there is a positive history.
However, I think it is important to say that I also believe that you have to be critical of yourself in this regard, especially when hiring or recommending a friend for an opportunity, because you do not want friendship to unfairly elevate someone’s skill level. I know too often of people who recommend people for positions that are beyond their level of skill, because friendship clouded their judgement.
With that said, if all things are equal – you have to use all the information at your disposal to make the right decision.
30.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:03 pm e
Christopher Brenchley – I focus on aptitude and interest as the primary factors when making hiring decisions, but there is no doubt that a positive, prior professional experience with a candidate carries a lot of weight. However, friendship on a personal level and on its own does not carry the same weight.
The question seems analogous to the difference between dating a family or mutual friend vs. going on a blind date. I much prefer the former as you have a much better sense of what you’re getting yourself into.
31.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:04 pm e
Michael Kear – Any time you forward along an opportunity it will be viewed as if you are recommending the person. So I would first consider who is best qualified and yes that does include the type of person they are. While some may be a perfect fit for the critical skill side they may not fit the culture.
32.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:06 pm e
Joe Frankie III – Yes, but it Depends ON the Situation. Every situation is a little bit different.
As a general rule, I am going help people that have been previously supportuive and open to help and interaction. Since the situation is described as a intermediary, I will take into account both sides of the situation and try to do best on both sides. Naturally, if you have established a relationship with the people involved, then this comes into play as well.
33.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:06 pm e
Varun Berry – It really does not matter if you will be passing the opportunity is your friend or unknown person, when doing a favor keep in mind do not expect any return but pass it to someone who really needs and deserves.
On personal front, If someone has done a favor to me and if he or she is need I would definitely support him or her not for returning the favor but he or she standing with you in your bad times and we do our best to support those individual.
34.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:07 pm e
Pablo Listingart – I try to only evaluate capacities, if they era equally qualified, but I know one of the candidates, and know that he is good at what he does, then I would prefer that person.
Experience is very valuable when you it comes to choosing between candidates.
35.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:08 pm e
Vincent Rios – How would your past experiences with them guide your decision? Is friendship a consideration?…
Assuming you have access to a couple of qualified people and can steer something their way (to one or the other’s way)….having a history with one of them gives you better information to be able to steer it their way. It will be natural to give more consideration to someone with whom you have any of the factors that you mentioned.
…even if that person you have history with might have a bit less experience, that person will rise to the top because you can evaluate them with a better eye (you have a deeper view of that person).
36.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:09 pm e
Laurent J.V. Dubois – Ohhhh to be human…
All of the above play a factor either in conscious or unconscious decision making. We actually even prioritize people, places and things so well that it might sometimes appear to our flattering self images that we are more generous than we think, while a good inspection of current reality will likely indicate there was less demand on time and energy at that moment and the bar lowered to compensate.
I’m not saying that’s the way it is, all of the time, and I suspect many can suspend this more, or longer, than others while we are, after all, only human…
37.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:10 pm e
Glen Geen – While friendship, gratitude, and past favors may play a small roll the more important question is ones ability to work with the individual. I have some friends that I absolutely cannot work with. Other business partners, while not good friends, have a similar work ethic or style to my own and are easy to work with.
If, on the other hand, you are just trying to pass along a money making opportunity to someone and you will not be working with the individual, consider how it will be seen by friends and others.
38.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:12 pm e
Sheila Babnis – General I am a giving person to all I come into contact. it takes so little effort to give alittle kindness and time to another person. i think it depends on whether you come from a place of giving trust or needing to have the trust earned.
39.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:14 pm e
Tim Meuret – I believe this is basic human nature. I have seen it work so far as people picking the lower quality provider due to gratitude or personal relationship.
40.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:14 pm e
David Goodman – Trust and a relationship are the foundation for me. The depth of the relationship will help me assess their strengths, needs and fit to the opportunity and the level of trust we have established would guide my confidence that they could be successful. Friendship, past interactions and courtesy all contribute to the strength of our relationship and level of trust, so these factors all play a role in my decision making process.
41.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:15 pm e
Peter Burton-Vulovic – Yes, every time
42.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:16 pm e
Tom Field – Absolutely. I’m always more inclined to help out a person who’s shown past kindnesses. Aren’t we all?
In a situation like you describe, my first question would be: What’s the best fit for this opportunity? The answer might be shaded by friendship, but ought not to be solely determined.
43.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:17 pm e
John Tummolo – It’s always about “whom you know.”
44.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:17 pm e
Olga Kellen – yes
45.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:19 pm e
Sara Breuer – My experiences with people definitely influence my decisions about them. Not necessarily that I want to pass out “rewards.” More that how people treat others (including myself) is a reliable indicator of their character and ethics. Expressing gratitude is one of those behaviors that, in my experience, is a good reflection of a person’s likelihood to be trustworthy, loyal, honest, and all those other things we look for when doing business or just living our lives.
46.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:20 pm e
Howard Halpern – Unfortunately, I don’t have time to answer all of your questions, but the answer to your first one is “yes.”
47.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:20 pm e
Steven Fuhrman – Helping someone shouldn’t be completely about how it affects them, but how it affects you. If someone has proven that he or she appreciates what you’ve done for them, versus someone who takes everything for granted as if they actually deserve the world to be handed to them on a silver platter, I’ll take the appreciative person in a heartbeat. Why? Because helping someone who truly appreciates it makes me feel good.
Things happen in life, both personal and professional, because of the relationships that get built. Showing appreciation to someone usually strengthens the relationship, which in turn should be beneficial to all parties.
I would hope that someone would give me an opportunity over another “unknown” candidate who has roughly the same skill set that I have because of past practices, whether it be a business relationship or a friendship.
Let’s face it… some of us are taught to NOT burn bridges – this is a perfect example as to why.
48.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:21 pm e
Linda Couch – Assuming this is a professional opportunity, I would begin with any qualified people I LIKE and then choose the person I believe would be the best fit for the opportunity (i.e., who could create maximum value for both themselves and the opportunity owner).
49.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:22 pm e
James Stuart – I would be more likely to pass the opportunity on to a friend, if given a choice. That’s human nature. It’s about mutual benefit and knowing the people you can rely upon and work with to achieve a specific goal. However, it’s also important to keep an eye out on what is beyond the current friendships / reliances – and not to be completely tied to closed groups.
This is why the type of relationships at work are important. And this is exactly where some organisations fall completely flat especially in areas where management is incapable or induce a blame culture.
50.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:23 pm e
Jenna Papakalos – I think it’s important to consider if the nature of the supportive or grateful behavior was genuine. Nothing is worse than someone is turns these qualities on simply for personal gain. Personally, I tend to gravitate towards those with genuine intentions.
I recommend people who I know would do well with a given opportunity. I’m picky who I attach my name to because my reputation is everything to me, personally and professionally. I want someone I have confidence will only add value.
51.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:24 pm e
Vijay V. Karthik – Terrific question. Leads one to think and the responses have been educative as well.
I guess given 2 people wherein one was helpful to me and I do have the opportunity to help one of them, I would go ahead and help the person who helped me… unless, the other person were in dire need of my help in which case, my priority would be to help the person in more need.
52.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:25 pm e
John Bredehoft – In a business environment, past favors ranks more highly than friendship.
53.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:26 pm e
Marshall Ferrin – Yes, but if all other things are equal, friendship tips the balance in your friends favor. Especially, if you own him/her a favor.
54.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:26 pm e
Michael Robillard – For me, past experiences would only come into play if the context of those experiences related directly to the skills required for the opportunity in question.
For example, I can think of someone who would be perfect for a co-located, highly interactive, team project but I would not consider them for a very isolated, independent, disconnected task, even though they are a good friend as well as colleague.
On the other hand, I know someone who would be perfect for such a situation even though I most definitely wouldn’t want to spend any time outside the office with them.
When I refer to context I mean something along the following lines: in the past my interactions with another person have not been all that positive, even slightly adversarial, but I know that if I needed someone to stand up in front of an executive board and make the case for…almost anything….they would be the person to do that.
55.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:29 pm e
Leo Nitzberg – I tend to be a very loyal person and I never forget when someone reaches out to me in any given situation. If both people are truely as qualified I would definitely help a friend or someone who has helped me in the past.
In the end I truly believe that when you help someone it comes back to you. Even if the person you’ve helped does not show any gratitude or return the favor directly.
56.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:30 pm e
Natalia Pollack – While I would be most likely to lean toward the person with whom I have the most positive experience and feelings, the question I would have to ask myself before making the choice is: Which of these people will be the best fit for the Company/Team? In all probability, the one I have the most positive feelings for will be the answer. But I have to add, that once in awhile, I have found that looking at what the Company/Team needs means hiring the person who I have no history with or even slightly negative history. The trick is being able to step far enough back to see the “Big” picture.
57.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:32 pm e
Vivek Tikoo – Someone who naturally fits the ‘help opportunity’ because of various factors will qualify as per me.
In other words, a person who I have had good Moments of Truth with , while naturally inclined in my view to get my favour, might still not be favoured by me if I realize/feel that the other person should get it since he/she is naturally a better fit (may be due to competence, situation , or track record.)
The decision therefore is basis the ‘right fit’ criteria than the ‘let me help him/her out criteria’ where there are options.
58.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:35 pm e
Pete Berghold – My willingness to help someone is usually gated by somone’s willingness to accept help.
I’ve had folks in my past that I’ve offered help with issues only to have them ignore my advice and/or help which wastes my time and theirs and I hate wasting time.
Other folks I’ve offered help to and it has been a positive experience for both of us. Those folks will always have an open door to me.
59.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:36 pm e
Michael Kan – Given two equally capable people, one of which has been more polite and considerate to me, I would take that politeness and consideration as a general indicator of how they would act in any opportunity I’d share with them, and would therefore be more inclined to recommend that person over the other.
I think some people underestimate how important it is to be a generally pleasant, polite, and helpful person.
60.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:37 pm e
Joris De Brucker – I think it is only natural that past favors, gratitude or friendship build credit, which in turn gives those who provided them an advantage once they are on the receiving end – is that not the basic principle of networking?
61.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:38 pm e
Martin Thomas – Yup … all of the above. People who helped me, friends or people I simply like will always get preferential treatment. Even if there are slightly better qualified others available.
I don’t have a feel, though, for at which point the discrepancy between friendship/gratitude and competence would tip towards competence. I guess that would tend to depend on who apart from me was involved in either the decision making or the benefit of the opportunity.
62.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:39 pm e
Ian Fountain – If someone has consistently been agressive and negative towards me then I would not take them in to consideration.
If they have from time to time had their issues with me and me with them, then this is life and I would let the past be the past.
If they have been a good colleague, friend, aquaintance then they would definately be at the top of the list.
However, I would be looking at an opportunity as a business and if the best person was from the second or third group then I would go for the better business wise because also in business I want to succeed and I do respect someone who will give their opinion even if it does not agree with mine.
So yes there is an impact, but more from the if they are someone you would never whant to see again in your life, then these are the ones I would not include.
Other than that business is about having the best team for success, not necessarily the best friends
63.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:40 pm e
Robert Fornal – Past experience and friendship are a strong part of the deciding factor, skill and ability are also taken into account (but you said they were roughly equal) …
It is not so much what you know as who you know …
64.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:45 pm e
Anthony Russo – I’d like to say I would be completely impartial to such a situation and always pass to the more qualified person, but I’m human, and am sure at times, I am influenced by past experiences that should not come into play.
65.
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:46 pm e
Kim Brame – What is the saying? Oh yea “character matters”. a person with good character is gracious to those who have offer assistance to them in anyway. I would note how a person treats people that check him/her out at retail establishment, valet his car or wait on him at a restaurant. If he is a friend does he make snide comments about other friends that are not present. I always note these things, they give me insight into a person’s character. There is someone that was part of my team…VERY talented in fact the most talent editor I have ever worked with. However, he treats others like dirt, he complains constantly, he is rude to everyone that brings him a cup of coffee or sells him anything. However he is ALWAYS nice to my face because I pay him. But I no longer do any favors for this guy..I won’t bring him in on a job unless I can find no one else, no matter what the skill level. Why? Because this guy believes he is owed, he is due..but he in never thankful for anything that anyone has done for him….in our community in the south east production world among producers he is know as the talented a#*hole…because of how he treats folks. So yes, past experiences definitely determine my willingness to help someone.
66.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:36 am e
Beth Vanda -It is definitely a factor . I tend to help people I first meet to provide assistance to them knowing that I may be rewarded down the road with a referral, a kind word, a piece of business and am reluctant to provide extra assistance to someone unappreciative or unfriendly until they have a need they think you can fill through your experiences or contacts.
67.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:38 am e
Jim Bishop – Gratitude is sometimes an overloooked very powerful force. The people who will show me appreciation and gratitude generally will carry themselves (act) in a manner that it is easy to want to help.
Friendship can be part of that but I think gratitude can be a bigger force. So yes experience is a major factor.
68.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:38 am e
Yvonne Michele Anderson – A lesson I have learned the hard way – business is different than friendship.
There are people whom you may love, but with whom you do not wish/desire to do business, although you might help them personally as a friend.
There are people whom you may not particularly appreciate on a personal level, but whom you respect on a business level, and with whom you choose to conduct business, although you may not break bread with them at the dinner table…
There are those people with whom you have longstanding relationships, with whom you do business and also with whom you break bread. Life is always best here…it means that there is trust on both personal and professional levels.
Relationships can change over time, passing in and out of the above three categories.
I do think that more often than not, people do not desire to have conflict in the personal or professinoal lives, and try to be forgiving. I also believe that we can and should choose to let go of relationships that are not healthy for us, whether personal or professional.
In the end, I would look at the project from a business perspective, find the best match for that project among those persons qualified to do the job, and make my choice among those guidelines…
I would not hire a friend for friendship only…my friend would also have to be qualified to do the job.
Definitely agree with Jules Abraham that “everybody deserves a chance” … but also agree in the end, that friendship must be wieghed against competency; it is not the only factor.
I guess this also depends on the context.
If we were living in a time in which a community that i was a part of was threatened for whatever reason, and a personal friend belonging to this community asked me for a job, I would take friendship more into account. It would carry greater wieght…but this would be an exceptional circumstance.
69.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:39 am e
Brandt Bill – I can’t say that someone’s past gratitude or ingratitutde would play much of a role. I don’t help people out to gain anything nor would I dwell on my past interactions with someone to determine whether I would help them out or not.
70.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:41 am e
Vidyut Gore – Can’t say. Sometimes repeatedly needy people turn me off to. On the whole, I think I look at a situation and how necessary the help is, and how easy it is for me to give it, …. and there is some kind of balance that I try to strike.
If we speak of tendencies, I get all over-protective about people I really like. Those are the ones almost guaranteed help (within reason), simply because I want to “sort their life out” or “get rid of the problem quickly” in short, I don’t like to see them unhappy, and move to change that.
Uh…. I’m not particularly proud of it. It can feel pretty pushy sometimes, if I act impulsively, and perhaps the help is not welcome, or makes the receiver feel awkward. I try to slow my impulse enough to actually see what the real help needed is, rather than attending to my need to remove the problem – sometimes, what is needed from me could be to shut up and sit down too.
71.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:42 am e
Dale Furtwengler – My guideline is that if I or my client is putting forth more effort to help someone be successful in their role than they are it’s a lost cause. So, yes, I do let past experience guide me in my interactions with people.
There are also times when despite concerted effort on the part of the individual your helping that you realize that they just don’t have the skills, temperment or talent to be successful in that role. At that time, it’s important to have a candid conversation in which you help them become aware of the stress they’re experiencing and, jointly, explore their strengths so that you can create a job in which they will be successful. This approach pays huge dividends for both parties.
72.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:43 am e
Hans Dekker – The desire to reprocicate is deep ingrained in human beings. Even to the extent that if I give you a dime you are more inclined to lend me a fairly large amount of money. Or give something of more value then the original gift. Friendships, group membership, peers, clan all play huge role (most wars are started because of it), In sales it’s greatly exployted, look around for all the “freebies” …
73.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:44 am e
Hari Panicker – I will extend help even to an ENEMY if I am convinced that it will resolve a NECESSITY or CRISIS of that person.
74.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:45 am e
Geoffrey Quartermaine Bastin – For sure. I base my attitudes to others on how they have behaved in the past. My friends are people I have known for a long time and who I have seen acting in different situations. So I know how they react and I will treat them accordingly. One should never rely on what people say or claim, it is only their actions in specific situations that give a clue to how they will behave in the future. I am also a firm believer in reciprocity; do me a good turn and I’ll do one for you.
75.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:45 am e
Cindie Smith – One of the intangibles about a new person that we all want to know, but is nearly impossible to figure out right away, is whether or not people find you to be a “stand up individual”. Returning a favor is definately the “stand up” thing to do!
I most definately favor those who have favored me. It satisfies my feeling that I am repaying a kindness, and reaffirms my friendship for that person.
76.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:46 am e
Anupam “Pom” Malhotra – You pose a good question. I would summarize my answer as:
Negative memories –> stronger influence on present
Positive memories –> weaker influence on present
I do believe that memories exert an influence over current decisions. However, the impact of positive and negative memories is different. It would be incorrect to assume that just because one has a positive link in the past that it automatically becomes a reason to sway a decision in favor of the known person. If this becomes a regular practice then it should be labeled “favoritism” and will likely result in the talent walking away in a professional environment. On the other hand, a negative experience in the past is more difficult to ignore and would probably have a far greater impact on a current decision.
So, yes I would be likely to give more thought to helping someone that has been supportive or grateful for past help, but only if all other factors are equal.
77.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:47 am e
Jessica Margolin – It depends.
First is my responsibility to execute the task at hand: who is best.
Assuming somehow no one is “best”:
(1) Is anyone truly desperate? – regardless of their attitude assuming it wouldn’t interfere with the task execution (and desperation can lead to some ugly attitude), all other things being equal this is my first choice.
(2) The “ROI” decision: is anyone particularly need-based, even if not desperate? Maybe someone is unlikely to get even close to this kind of opportunity very often, because most of the people they know are crackheads. Or maybe someone is highly connected and prone to openness and will be able to develop a whole group of people because they’re exposed to this opportunity. Or maybe, simply someone is likely to find the opportunity personally transformative – not just a career stepping stone but it’s likely to open their eyes to something they wouldn’t have otherwise seen.
(3) Assuming everyone I have at hand is actually a clone of one another, yes, my final decision parameter would be based on the ability to reciprocate, which includes to some degree remembering and feeling grateful for past opportunities.
On 8/22/07 7:01 PM, Jessica Margolin added the following clarification:
I am assuming that in my sense of responsibility for doing the job well, I will search for the right candidate. While it’s possible I will have a friend nearby and available – and so I’ll limit my search and not encounter desperate people etc. – it’s unlikely.
Further, if it’s a great opportunity I’m actually less likely to stress a friendship with the expectations that would normally be associated with that. An *acquaintance* might be okay, because if they disappoint, there’s no loss. But a friendship…. only if they’re a great fit and I’m highly confident they will be able to perform in the new context.
78.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:48 am e
Jennifer McFarland – Looking at your question from another angle, I’ve noticed a huge difference in how people want to help me now that I have learned to relax, go with the flow, and be a true team player.
I have the best team at work that anyone could ever hope for and they have taught me a great deal about how to listen, communicate, and just get along in general. Communication and the ability to get along go a very long way in terms of reciprocation. Just because a person has potential and knowledge doesn’t mean that automatically translates into opportunities.
Looking back, I’ve been humbled in a big way by the lesson implied in this Q&A. I’m not afraid to admit any longer that my biggest obstacle toward advancement opportunities was in development of professional communication skills. It’s taken me many years to recognize and learn from that. It has made all of the difference, exceeding even the importance of organization and technical skills. Working in a customer service call center has been one of the greatest opportunities I’ve had for this very reason.
I really give my coworkers a lot of credit for all of what I’ve learned. They deserve that and so much more. Would I do favors for them? Absolutely.
79.
August 23rd, 2007 at 11:19 am e
Tracey Linkous – Connecting people to opportunities and other people is essential to building a strong network on which you can rely. Connecting the right people to the right opportunties strengthens the fiber of your web. The more valuable the connections you make, the stronger web you build. I very much take into consideration the appreciate people have shown for the time I’ve taken to assist them in the past. If I have provided meaningful support to someone and they do not acknowledge it or worse yet, forget it was I who helped them, I admit that I am less inclined to put them at the top of the list when the next well-suited opportunity arises. However, I do believe that the overall good for everyone ultimately overides my initial hesitancy to support/refer them again.
80.
August 23rd, 2007 at 3:15 pm e
Tonda R. Williams – While my first instinct would of course to reccomend someone with whom I’m personally familiar, my professional ethics will always force me to consider the best professional option for the opportunity!
81.
August 23rd, 2007 at 5:41 pm e
Gerald Lo – I think it natural to try to reciprocate support, gratitude, kindness, professionalism and civility.
However, if I am ever in the position to assign opportunities, it seldom comes down to those considerations for me.
Gratitude and consideration do not usually align with availability nor aptitude nor talent nor expertise nor capability nor competence, in my experience.
I have found those to whom I feel empathy not always receptive to opportunities. I try to keep on relatively good terms with as many colleagues as possible, and therefore attempt to level the field of play to the best of my ability.
Professionally, I’ve found that I don’t always have to like those with whom I must work. While an affinity of temperament and personality might help to make the working experience somewhat less painful than not, I try not to let my personal sentiments affect my behavior. I make an effort to like all my colleagues to the same extent, which admittedly has sometimes not been a unilaterally successful policy.
Making such assignments out of gratitude, even as a secondary or tertiary consideration, suggests to me the clinical symptoms of “favoritism,” which I try to avoid.
I make an effort to maintain what I consider to be objectivity in presenting opportunities or making introductions.
Granted, my view of objectivity is (of course) purely subjective.
82.
August 23rd, 2007 at 5:42 pm e
Jules Abraham – I think it’s a combination. I am a big believer in Karma and I think that regardless of a person’s attitude, everyone deserves a chance.
However, with your particular scenario in mind, I would weigh personality and relationship in making such a decision. However, it would not necessarily outweigh competence. So, yes, I would take friendship and favors into consideration. But it would be foolish to make them a final decision with regard to business matters.
83.
August 24th, 2007 at 9:35 am e
Cissy Ploegmakers – Yes, it does work that way for me. If I can help someone who has helped me, I will. And if I like someone I’ll go out of my way to help him/her, whether it’s af friend or not.
84.
August 24th, 2007 at 9:36 am e
Duayne Draffen – Aw, c’mon. This a trick question, right, Doc?
Who would *not* favor an “equally qualified person” who had obviously ingratiated himself/herself with you?
85.
August 24th, 2007 at 1:28 pm e
Zen Benefiel – I would love to say that I could be analytical in the decision process. Alas, I am a human being ruled by emotions, whether I want to admit it or not. Of course the ‘history’ or ‘herstory’ would have a major impact on the process. I’ve learned to rely on my intuition in matters of the heart. Whether we choose to acknowledge that business is as much about heart as it is our intellect and protocols,
I believe strongly in reciprocity. When there is shared energy, complimentary and productive, then business ‘flows’ in nearly sublime fashion. Friendships are not the same as professional relationships, although friendships do exist in professional arenas. In professional endeavors I need to feel confident that the results will be congruent with the needs of the project. Friends may be included, but the job is the boss.
I walk away from those who push or pull others’ energy without regard, so I would be more apt to offer an opportunity to one who has the skills necessary, has proven reciprocity in the past and is willing to be ethically challenged.
86.
August 24th, 2007 at 1:29 pm e
Eric Mortensen – In reading the answers here, I think that there is another option that has not been considered. Lets say that both are equally qualified but one has spent more time working in that area then the other person. Do you give it to the person who has spent more time in that area, or the one who has less.
Most people would answer this, if all other areas are equal (friendship level, favors, etc), to the one with the more time spent in that aea. And, often that would be an acceptable answer.
But, lets say we want to grow our team in experiance, then giving the project to someone with less time in the area would be the wiser option.
For me, choosing the correct person for a gem of an opportunity shouldn’t be so much a choice on who you are best friends with and owe the most too, but who will 1 – Who can best perform that job, 2 – Who can get the most benifit out of that opertunity, and 3 – Who will provide the greatest benifit to the company.
87.
August 24th, 2007 at 1:29 pm e
Tracey Segarra – Past experience with this person will be very important in guiding my decision. But most important will be how well I think they’re a fit for the opportunity. Every recommendation I make is also a reflection on me, and I am very protective of my own reputation, so I would take great care to recommend the best candidate for the job (there’s always something that would tip the balance since no one’s really ‘roughly equal’)
That said, people I genuinely like are more likely to be on my radar than those who I don’t have as many positive experiences/feelings for. So someone who’s competent but not as personable may not even come to mind in these situations.
88.
August 27th, 2007 at 12:59 pm e
John Bailey – Let’s face it, some people are just warmer than others. One feels like one wants to help attractive people. Others are “Jerks”, “Cold Fish”, “Ungrateful”, “Pushy” or “Demanding”–and no one likes to be associated with them.
However, we need to move past our “comfort zone” if we are mature and want to be successful in business. Some of our best experiences can take place in previously hostile environments. Psychologists can argue about the mechanics; but winning a tough sale is a lot better than just selling to one’s friends and relatives.
Similarly, what we initially take for a lack of warmth could be a single incident, a cultural misunderstanding, or a reaction to an incident where we were at fault–something we can correct with a simple but heart-felt apology.
Never pass up the chance to help others. Especially the grumpy ones.
89.
August 27th, 2007 at 1:00 pm e
Claude Freléchoz – On active help (seeing the person in difficulty and spontaneously propose your help) this is sure that I will sustain people that where great with me much more easily.
On passive or reactive help (when a person asks for help) it won’t have much impact, only maybe the intensity of the help.
90.
August 27th, 2007 at 5:28 pm e
Lalita Amos – They may not have helped me directly, instead helping someone who I value. I love doing business with people I know, like, understand and trust–people who are both competent and generous.
So, sure, I’d pass the lead on to someone who’s turn me a turn. In fact, if I knew the prospect, I’d use the power of my relationship to help facilitate their initial meeting. And I’d do it without financial consideration.
I think we can do a better job of modeling the kind of business world we want to operate in. I don’t do dog-eat-dog: I am no pooch. If I don’t show by my example that I’m willing to support others who are heading a direction I can align with, I have no right to complain about how hard business can be.
91.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:01 am e
Amanda Pepper – Hmm. I think favoritism is something that must color anyone’s perception, no matter how fair they are trying to be. So if I have a good opportunity, and two qualified candidates. . . Well, no one has the *exact* same background, so maybe one of them has more experience with the kind of opportunity I have available?
But let’s say they really are equal candidates. Then yes, the grateful and gracious person wins. Because let’s face it–those kinds of polite qualities are valuable in themselves from a customer service standpoint. A less gracious person is almost always a liability somewhere down the line, when they upset a customer, potential customer, or boss or business partner, etc.
If the two candidates are equally polite, well, that makes things more difficult. If you know one of them better, then it could be better to go with someone you know rather than a dark horse. Give the second person a chance with *something,* but maybe not this golden nugget.
92.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:02 am e
Jay Patel – While friendship may be a factor, I don’t run a charity.
So if they are qualified, but I think they have personal relation or other issues, then I don’t consider them.
It isn’t necessarily about who you know as some people suggest. Even if I were President Bush, I wouldn’t want incompetents like Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, and the FEMA director during Katrina (Brown?) on my team.
Even one’s own friends can make one look bad.
93.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:03 am e
Dave Elchoness – They are often a deciding factor. That’s why it never pays to be disrespectful or unkind.
94.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:29 pm e
Patrick Ciriello – Before answering the question, one needs to look at it from a different perspective. Any opportunity you have the ability to convey would, by definition, have to go to someone you know. Those you know the best are probably going to be your friends, or at least close associates.
Now, with regard to favor or gratitude, those are fairly fleeting. A person’s current situation should factor significantly into your choice. Recently, I was working on a deal that would have secured a significant role for myself and one other person. There were two people that I had worked with for several years, and both were more than qualified. Both are friends, and all three of us had worked on many side-line projects together. Both had been recently laid off, but one had a large family, the other only his wife, who was working. I made the offer to the one with the family. Now, it is true the he and I were a bit closer, but has the circumstances been reversed, I would have offered it to my other friend first.
I think you need to take into account the ‘greater good’ when making such decisions. I knew both would find new positions, but I chose the path that would have done the most good. Unfortunately, the plan did not come to fruition, and both of my friends actually declined the opportunity in the end/ One found a position, the other didn’t (yet), if anyone needs a good graphic artist in the Anaheim, CA area I’ve included a link to his web-site.
Links:
http://www.trainorstudio.com
95.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:29 pm e
Ramana Sonty – Yes – absolutely. Humans are creatures of reason, emotion (and primal hungers). Reason would play a role is comparing two individuals. But if they are perceived as about equal, then emotion, and past positive experiences and underlying trust, will drive the decision.