Dr. Earl R. Smith II

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101 Responses to “How do you deal with ungrateful people?”
1.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:40 pm e
Robert Fornal: Ignore their attitude.
In general I have found it much more rewarding to treat all people the same … helping whenever I can, regardless of attitude, and treating them with respect. I figure what those that are ungrateful will get what is coming to them some day …
I just keep going until I get the thanks … and cherish each small victory.
2.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:43 pm e
Dharminder Salwan: Such people should not matter in your life……. though if you still have the desire to win over such people ….. identify their strengths and work on them …..
3.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:45 pm e
Dan Ryan: I try to be patient and pray for them.
4.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:45 pm e
Sarah Paul: Look at it with a fresh perspective. If this person had never done anything for you and you needed something from her/him how would you handle it? Chin up!
5.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:47 pm e
Santosh Tiwari: In my case I dont remind them. The whole point is that the person forgot about it makes it clear that he/she does not feel it strongly enough to remember it.
I guess the more important question is what are you expecting them to do when they remember ? If you are looking for a return favour than it is less of a favour and more of a business transaction. The example you have selected does not gel very well with your question. There is a huge difference between “took the time and made the effort to help ” and saving somebody’s life
6.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:48 pm e
Dan Lucarelli: It seems to me that the key phrase here is “…you took the time and made the effort to help…” If folks are not courteous, or have poor manners, and do not acknowledge said help with a simple “thank you”, I am probably less inclined to offer assistance in the future.
To me, “help” in whatever form is offered to those that ask, if I am in a position to assist. By definition of the word, I am not expecting obligation in return – I do not keep track of the “value” of the help I offer, nor do I keep track of those I help.
I know I can count on those I help to offer assistance to me in the future if a) I ask for their help and b) if they are in a position to assist.
7.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:50 pm e
Nicholas Jost: The answer presumes that they are ungrateful. Human beings show gratitude in many ways. Some will take you out to lunch, some will sing your praises, others will simply remember. In the rare instance that a person really doesn’t care it is better to assume that this isn’t the case because it is so hard to know for sure.
8.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:51 pm e
Sheilah Etheridge: I never remind others that I helped them. When we help one another it should be for the good of that person and also the growth we gain from helping them.
Some people are ungrateful and do not go on to help others. Those people I do not help again. However, there are also people who have a very hard time verbally acknowledging good deeds. Either because of embaraasment or simply because they are not used to others doing nice things for them. They usually find a way to let you know, although it may be in a different form than a thank you.
I think the big problem I see with reminding people is that I do not believe in obligation. I never do things for others and then want them to feel obligated. If you want them to always be aware of their debt to you then the reason behind the good deed was not for their gain, but for your own.
The person we help today may never acknowledge that deed to us, but will most likely gain and go on to pay it forward. Whether they do or not is not my concern. It is nice to see it paid forward, but not a requirement. On the other hand if you know for a fact they do not intend to ever do a good deed for others then you no longer need to do for them.
When you help someone it should be a gift. And gifts once given are theirs to do with as they wish.
9.
August 1st, 2007 at 1:52 pm e
Patricia Diver: I would suggest that you do things for people because YOU want to not because you are expecting anything in return. It sounds simple but it will ensure that you are never disappointed in the outcomes.
10.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:10 pm e
Nicholas de Wolff: In my old age (!), I have been pleasantly surprised to find that more people notice and remember our anonymous acts of kindness, and small gestures of support, than we might imagine. Often we give someone our time or talent and, while we do so “gratis”, we have an expectation of recognition and gratitude that all too clearly highlights the reality that human beings will always need some sort of constant validation of their worth. What is compelling is when one grows beyond the need for immediate “tit-for-tat” validation from the recipient of our generosity, and instead recognizes the payback we get more indirectly, from other moments in our daily life. I find it diverting to imagine that the grape my 2-year old daughter gave me at lunch last weekend is actually my reward for having spent half an hour on the phone a few weeks ago with a studio exec who wanted to pick my brain about the challenges of producing content for multiplatform viewing. I got little more than a cursory “thanks” from the exec before he dispensed with me, but not even one of those ubiquitous overladen fruit baskets would have been able to match the value of recompense I ended up getting, from a more indirect source. So have fun with it! Pick a moment you gave, and match it to a moment you received, and you might find things really do balance out!
11.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:11 pm e
Olga Kellen: I never remind … you cannot change such people anyway…
I just move on…
12.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:11 pm e
Shawn Carter: Not worry about it. The majority of the people will forget who helped them or why. That’s just life. Its better just to forgive that person and move on otherwise you become bitter, which is more harmful to yourself than you.
13.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:13 pm e
Darci Robson: Is it really critical that people provide the acknowledgment that you think is appropriate?
I would say that the best thing you can do is take a look at yourself and ask what it is that you are needing and own it instead of judging the actions of others.
I would also say that this is a great opportunity for you to develop your own “compassion muscle” and be OK with the fact that people don’t always act with grace and consistency for all sorts of reasons that are really their own business.
14.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:15 pm e
Teri Pirozzi: Gratitude is a learned courtesy, but the practice is often taught to us as children. If not, it is his or her loss. Gratitude is a practice that benefits both giver and receiver.
15.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:16 pm e
Kalwant Sandhu: Be true to yourself and your convictions. You do a good turn because you want to. Its just unfortunate human behaviour that some folks have such shortcomings and aren’t grateful. Waiting for their thanks can be a futile waste of time. Go and continue helping others. that in itself is the thanks.
16.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:20 pm e
Nick Hawley: Let me start by saying that a common error I see people make is mistaking colleagues for friends. This may be a rather cynical way of looking at the workplace, however it is useful in understanding what are appropriate standards for behavior and interaction. This perspective also helps us disengage emotionally from our colleagues in order to effective execute our duties. It is often said, but rarely understood, that “it’s just business”.
In relating to colleagues, it is always important to be polite, even when others are not. Why, because that is what it means to be a professional. If your colleague(s) are impolite (ungrateful), they utlimately damage their own credibility, effectiveness, and reputation with you and with others. You don’t ignore ungratefulness, but you also should not respond in kind. Your crediability, effectiveness, and reputation are yours to manage
17.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:21 pm e
Sergio DaCosta: Interesting questions call for interesting answers. First of all, in my opinion, gratitude is not a human trait. Let’s be real. We are all human and by consequence ungrateful by nature. There are however a significant number of us that through outstanding upbringing, proper education and good choices in relationships in our lifetime, were able to overcome the establishment of such in their character. We are worthy of praise for that…
Back to the question, dealing with the behavior is much easy than dealing with the character. If the ungratefulness can be identified as behavioral, then it might be conditioned to circumstances in the individuals lives unknown to us and by association volatile. I may seem ungrateful today, I might not have been yesterday and I might not be tomorrow… So ignoring it is a simple solution. Now, if the ungratefulness has molded ones character, forget about it. It should be seen as an expected part of the individual’s life.
In both cases the dealing with ungrateful people is like working under non negotiated wages and expecting to get paid for what we consider worth. Not a good business practice and not advisable in our personal life. In doing anything to anybody, the best thing we can take out of that is finding a good recipient for our deeds or doing it absolutely because we do it because that’s how we are.
18.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:23 pm e
Erika Jimenez: The impressions that we make on others leave a lasting connection and memory.
Unfortunately it takes some people a lot longer for them to stop and think about who made those lasting impression. It could takes years. It could take a tragic experience. Then again there are people who cut humanity off because of their own experiences and therefore will never show gratitude.
Continue to show support and oppurtunity for grace to both types of people, but don’t let it consume you.
19.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:24 pm e
Pamela Campagna: What you put out to the world comes back to you…although not always from the same people/person to whom it’s directed.
20.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:25 pm e
Tony Ceccoli: From my perspective, as has been voiced by other answers to this question, extending myself in anyway to others is an act of servitude. Once it leaves me, it is a gift, no matter how small or how great. The moment I start caring too much about how they respond to the “gift” is when I start trying to take the gift back.
I’m a father of several young boys. It’s my God-given responsiblity to help them learn about gratitude. After a certain point and maturity, I have to let them go and let them learn on their own about gratitude.
Can’t teach it anymore. Teachings done…
After reaching maturity, It’s time for them to refine and shape their own attitudes around gratitude. It’s their responsibility. I feel the same about other mature adults. Whether I offer a hand to someone in need, a kind word, or help someone to be a success in their business; it’s all up to them what they do with it.
Being a spiritual person, I believe that lessons on gratitude only come from someone greater than I.
21.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:27 pm e
Faisal Ansari: The concept of “Fool me once …” applies here. Do the good deed without expecting a return. If they do return the favor, consider it a bonus, but don’t expect anything as that could cause grief in most situations.
22.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:28 pm e
Dennis Furr: I’m not terribly interested in measuring the success of my assistance in terms of gratitude but instead by the success of others that I have assisted. I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’ve done a good job because I know my personal standards and they are often in excess of . It’s nice if someone thinks to make a kind gesture as the result of a job well done or a bit of friendly advice but it isn’t expected.
The work, whatever it is, should be the reward. If it’s not then perhaps priorities need to be assessed.
23.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:29 pm e
Gary Pruitt: I deal with myself instead of other people. This comment is not made out of being self consumed or centered, but in looking inward to see what I expected from the action I took. I try to operate on the “Pay it forward principal” and treat others as I want to be treated. By doing this I can always look at myself in the mirror and be confident that I am living my life to the best of my abilities.
24.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:30 pm e
Dean Lindal: I don’t think you worry about it. Its interesting. I attend a local church in my community and many years ago I had the thinking that I am going to church to get value – which is true. But my paradigm shift and for my family was one of – I am not going there for myself but for others because there is probably someone there who might need an encouraging word. What we found through this shift in thinking was we started getting more out of it.
Someone who is ungreatful for different things.
You can’t change someone’s behaviour.
Change has got to come from them
If one is not getting value out of a relationship re-visit and look to see if your values line up with that other person’s values.
25.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:31 pm e
Dan Strain: I’ve always thought that there are 2 different types of ungrateful people –
1) those who are just inconsiderate and don’t think to say thank you or otherwise make an effort to recognize your assistance. These I just accept. I don’t know what’s going on inside their head at the time. Besides, I don’t always remember to say thank you myself (glass houses and all that). To follow along with the other answers, I don’t help for a thank you, I help because I can.
and
2) those that remember but only for the sake of self benefit (the graditude is proportional to what you can do for them). These are the people that profess graditude but are insincere. They continually comeback for more assistance, more answers, more support because they know you’ll give it. They have no empathy or respect for you. These people I have little tolerance for and the well runs dry quickly.
26.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:32 pm e
Michael Dawisha: Generosity with an expectation of gratitude inevitably leads to disappointment. My conclusion is that acts of generosity can only have an expectation of being self-rewarding.
In the professional world, there are other considerations and expectations. If I have an expectation, and I rarely have one, I would make it known up front that there is a cost to the favor being given. Anything else would be dishonest to both parties.
27.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:34 pm e
Andy Gritti: From what I’ve read it’s hard to offer much more. At times I have let others ungratefullness get to me. Call it fallen world stuff. I see it now as an invitation to reflect on my own displays of showing i’m grateful. Love to tell you that I rise to above it everytime, but I don’t. However, I’m growing and I’m not done yet.
28.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:35 pm e
Chris Taylor: Being both British and reasonably pugnacious about these things I have a few levels of this.
1. I have a thick skin, if this kind of stuff bothered me I wouldn’t get out of bed of a morning, so easy to ignore and my default in all professional dealings.
2. If I really feel I have gone the extra mile to help someone, who is not in the least bit grateful, I would have no problem telling them that common cutersy in these situation is a simple thank you.
3. If for some reason the ingratitude really pushed my buttons, (family usually) I might wait until the next time they needed/asked for help and tell them to get stuffed…..
29.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:36 pm e
Bob Martin: I don’t spend any time or effort on that type of person/situation. My wife and I both spend a lot of our non-working time volunteering. When I help someone professionally I come at it with the same attitude I have when volunteering. If I get something back from the assistance it’s great but I don’t expect it every time. My experience with helping people goes back to graduate school 20+ years ago. At the time, I was teaching piano lessons to underprivelegded inner city youths. Most of the kids weren’t going to make it out of the projects. Each week I’d lose some students to the streets and gain some more. The couple who founded the non-profit told me that if they helped one person succeed in their entire lives that their efforts would have been worth it. They’ve helped many more than that with anything from nutrition classes through a charter school they founded but the attitude they shared with me became part of my belief system.
30.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:39 pm e
Maheshwari Kapoor: I would not expect any thing from such people. I would do what I think is right or what is required, spontaneously and not worry about the rest. This way I would not need to worry about dealing with them. They would not matter to me. At the same time I will continue to de my best!
31.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:40 pm e
Iain Cornish: I don’t deal with ungrateful people.
32.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:43 pm e
Tom Field: If I’m in a good mood, I ignore the slight and let the good deed be its own reward. If I’m in a bad mood, I say “You’re welcome” anyway.
33.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:44 pm e
Gerald Lo: In some cultures, to save a life is to create an obligation on the part of the savior to continue to preserve that saved life.
I try not to do what I do for reasons of present reward nor future gratitude.
I try to condition my expectations for outcome and perceptions of others.
I don’t believe that I have time enough remaining to me to induce grateful behavior in others.
I try to express gratitude when I can.
Some friends of mine who belong to other faiths do not believe in an afterlife nor a reward for just and ethical behavior following death. They subscribe to ethical behavior for its own sake.
When I receive gratitude, I feel enormous satisfaction and reciprocal gratitude.
34.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:45 pm e
Howard Halpern: Not having attained sainthood, I have a tendency to decrease the extent to which I give to them in the future. My rationale is that they cannot fully benefit if they lack gratitude. Hence, it is my obligation to direct my energies elsewhere, such that my actions will yield the greatest benefit.
However, I do pray, regularly, for the welfare of ungrateful people.
Furthermore, it is not wrong to give to those who do not appreciate. In fact, it can be used as a technique to (a) develop humility and (b) overcome the dependency on appreciation. I believe that there are saints, who do not care (for their own sake) whether they are appreciated, who sometimes give to those who apparently do not deserve.
At some point, God has to give something that is undeserved. Otherwise, some people would never be able to advance. Even the mere fact that an ungrateful person becomes grateful is God’s grace. The cause of benefit is grace.
Grace can be earned.
But the mere fact that we are here on earth and are thus given an opportunity to progress spiritually is grace.
If God sometimes gives that which is undeserved, how can we say it is wrong for a human being to sometimes give when it is undeserved?
35.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:46 pm e
Ron Hurst; People who appear ungrateful can be so for many reasons. Since we can only see the world through our own lenses, we are highly prone to misinterpret the meaning of their behaviors. Unless someone comes out and caustically berates or minimizes an act of kindness, I assume their behavior to have a different meaning that I have not understood.
36.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:48 pm e
Alice de Sturler: I once helped a friend extensively only to get complaints and more problems dumped on me. Her gratitude was completely overshadowed by the enormous amount of help she needed. I must admit it hurt when I saw her being thankful to others but less to me. Maybe she took it for granted that I would always be there. Anyway, my answer is to help but not to expect anything, but also to protect yourself.
37.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:49 pm e
Debra Ateshian-Zeis: I strongly feel if you are going to lend a helping hand to someone, no matter what area it is, do it because it’s in your heart to do it and for no other reason. You make a choice: 1. you can either tally up tabs on people who owe you which will most likely lead you to disappointment and resentment if they never acknowledge it or never return the favour. 2. Or you can help someone along out of the kindness of your heart and let it go. My only hope for them is that some day they will have the opportunity to pay it forward to the next person in need and help that person. I already have the comfort of knowing I made a difference somewhere for someone because I cared enough to help and that’s all that matters to me, that I tried my best. My Maker will do the tab keeping for me, that’s not my area..
38.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:50 pm e
Victoria: The expectation of gratitude tends to taint the positive action … why not just respond to situations positively — being a force for good and offer encouragement and not “expect” anything. It all works out and helping people makes you feel that you have accomplished something anyway. What more could you want?
39.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:53 pm e
Bill Wright: I think that you have, sir, defined the issue quite well with the question. If the issue has sufficient gravity and priority then there will be no reason for anyone to be reminded…THE RECIPIENT WILL REMEMBER
Otherwise…I like to think of if as (and I am SURE I will get the spelling wrong…) a MITZVAH…a kindness done without expectation of reward, recompense or reciprocation.
To do otherwise is to go through life trying to keep tallybooks balanced. We are stressed out sufficiently without that burden.
Do what the bumper sticker says
COMMIT ACTS OF UNPREMEDITATED KINDNESS
40.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:55 pm e
Ramon Ruiz: Do it for yourself and don’t expect anything from them.
I have done certain coaching pro bono and sometimes they don’t even say thank you. But I always think that I’m doing that for myself, not for them.
41.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:58 pm e
Dr. Shaun Jamison: Perhaps they didn’t want you to help. It’s harder to be grateful for something you didn’t want.
Maybe they are embarrassed. Their pride is hurt by needing help and it’s hard for them to acknowledge it.
Or maybe they are just not grateful. That’s on them, it doesn’t have to do with you. When we give a gift of help it belongs to the person receiving it, not the person giving. Think of help and kindness as a big system where even if you do receive a reward for doing good, it may not be from the same person you helped.
If you do have expectations and your action do have strings attached, be honest and clear with people. I recently had someone offer to be on a committee for me if I’ll be on theirs. I would have done it anyway, but it was a nice way of sweetening the deal. It was a clear and simple request with the expectations for everyone to see.
42.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:59 pm e
Tony Harapin: Give them perspective. Make them realize their is a spritual and energetic level to life and it is not just about the system (whatever country you are in) or about themselves.
43.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:00 pm e
Al Giovetti: People are human and when the situation is as critical as saving a life; one might be expected to remember. It is my experience as a life guard where I did pull someone out of the surf that it is very difficult for them to wrap their minds around what you really did for them. Many times the person was angry and protesting. One time when I pulled a beautiful women out of a pool who was pushed in by an admirer and dragged under the water by her heavy terry cloth robe. The woman actually bit my arm when I put her in the cross chest carry and started hitting me. She thought I was touching her inappropriately which is not the case if you do the cross chest carry correctly. Many times people are not aware that you saved their lives and are actually angry with you.
As in the case of lesser favors that we do for people, I would imagine that the level of confusion may be comparable. Many people never recognize that you did them a favor. I am not sure if it is their egos that prevent them from realizing this. Or whether they are too shy to admit to you that you performed a significant service. But many people find it difficult to show their gratitude and, as Crichton put it, “their obligation to remember.”
The best way to deal with human frailties and human inadequacies when dealing in the area of interpersonal relations is to be tolerant of other people. Don’t get angry because someone does not remember that they owe you. Did you help them in order to put them in obligation to you or did you help them because that is the kind of person you are? If you are a helpful and nice person, just keep being that person. Perhaps somewhere deep the people you helped with someday realize what you actually did, but then again maybee they will not. Hopefully we do good things for people because we care about them. And sometimes the result is unrequited love (my spelling here may be off a bit).
I dont treat them any differently than if they did show gratitude. I look at who they are and keep dealing with them in a way appropriate to our relationship. Dont let something like this stand in the way of continued good relations.
44.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:01 pm e
Dave Clare: I dont deal with peoples ungratefullness. I dont help people for them to be grateful, I help them because I want to for what it does for me. If I rely on someone else to make me feel important or happy, I could be waiting a long time. After all happiness is a choice.
I was once challenged by a lady because I held the door open for her. She turned to me and said “You dont have to hold the door for me because I am a woman, I am capable of opening the door for myself.” To which I replied “I dont hold the door for you because you are a woman, I hold it for you because I am a gentleman.” She just looked andsmiled and walked away.
Its all about perspective I think.
45.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:02 pm e
Nicholas Pearce-Tomenius: You do nothing. If the individual in question does not feel compelled to repay or show gratitude for the good deed then you should forget about it. Rise above it, learn from it, move on.
46.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:04 pm e
Janette Coulthard: I perceive that it is my choice to help someone, if I choose to help then its because I want to. I am not expecting the receiver to be grateful for my help and would never use the help I gave them to leverage reaction or return favours in the future.
I have found that some people are grateful for help and some never show gratitude. I have found that the personality types who never acknowledge the help and show gratitude tend to get their come uppance in the end. The best way to deal with this type of personality to is to avoid them especially if you have a personality type that drives you to help people to the point of matyrdom. Unless of course, they have a redeeming quality that you value which cancels out the negativity of their ingratitude.
47.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:05 pm e
Brent Martyn: I’ve got several schools of thought on this –
1) Pay it forward in everything that you do
2) Be the Godfather. If you have paid it forward with everyone in your life a time may come when you need to call in a favor yourself. You should now have a large cache of people not only willing, but wanting to return the favor. For those who won’t react based on the level of the favor. For example, you helped them move from one apartment to another and they can’t make it there for your big move for a valid reason – let it slide. Same situation, but they can’t make it because a football game is on – cut them out of your life.
3) Life is too short to have it wasted on people that don’t appreciate you.
4) Everyone needs to do a better job at being a good samaritan(sp?), myself included. It’s one thing to help out a friend and quite another to help out a stranger. It’s sad what the world is coming to.
48.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:07 pm e
Kathy Crain Eisele: You should not remind people that you helped them. If you went above and beyond the call of duty, it will be remembered. The satisfaction of helping a friend in need is all the gratitude you should “expect.”
49.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:09 pm e
Thomas Dodds: I agree with the previous – I don’t do it with the ‘thanks’ in mind … if I get one – then great – if not, I know Who has seen and recorded and will reward in kind; despite the ‘thanks’ rendered.
50.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:11 pm e
Sabine Warford: Personally, I don’t help people from a position of expecting gratitude but rather from a position of servitude. If someone helps others simply to receive recognition and gratitude, they should examine their heart and motives carefully. This does not mean however that one should allow others to take advantage of ones kindness.
51.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:13 pm e
Jeannie Pumphrey: I try to help where I can; sometimes I am asked to help and at other times I ask if help is needed. Never, however, do I ask with the expectation of gratitude. I help because it makes me feel good to help other people. If at sometime that favor can be or is returned great, if not, I believe that all folks reap what they sow.
I will never lament over someone not returning or passing on a kindness especially if thinking about it just makes me miserable – but nor will I stop helping because a kindness was not returned or passed on. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff!
52.
August 1st, 2007 at 3:14 pm e
Rebecca Wiechman: Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if you need them to feel constantly grateful, it seems that your motivation in helping them was not purely to help them out, but to seek recognition.
There is nothing wrong with needing to feel recognized–in fact, that’s how a lot of us get through our jobs. But if you feel that someone isn’t as grateful as he/she should be, or you are not getting the recognition that you think you deserve, it isn’t worth pressing the issue. Just think about offering your help/services to someone else.
53.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:42 pm e
George F Franks III: Dont give them a second chance.
54.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:42 pm e
Lee Bradford: Compassion. Generally I have found that there are deeper root causes for behavior that I (and others) find distasteful. If I can understand why the person is acting ungrateful and take the time to build a relationship with them in that context, odds are I can diffuse this behavior.
I would also echo the thoughts of some earlier posters and ask, “Why do you feel the need to remind them?” What do you gain, or hope to gain?
55.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:44 pm e
Randall Isaac: “Dealing” with non gateful people means that you would are unhappy with their current state and would like them to change. So there are two egoic payoffs for person in this mind state; the first “I helped and want to be recognized”, the second “people who receive benefit from another should behave gratfully, I therefore know better than you”.
Both those cause unnecessary stress; the current state is not acceptable, I will be more complete if some future state is acheived”.
The answer may be found in non dealing and accepting that your current state is already perfect.
56.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:45 pm e
Jonathan Stuart: If someone I help repeatedly proves to be an ungrateful person, I will probably be less inclined to help them in the future.
I am only one person and while I am generous with my time I would rather give that time to someone who will appreciate it.
57.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:46 pm e
Lynn Kindler: I love Dan King’s honest answer?! In building on to what he said, I’ve also learned that the definition for “expectation” is that it is a pre-meditated resentment. Of course we are all human so we’re going to have feelings but the trick is to recognize when are feelings are telling us that what is really going on is that we have an unmet need (that is definitely NOT getting met by the ungrateful person) and then to find how we can get that need met without continuing to return to the dried out well for gratitude from someone who is either unwilling or unable to give it to us.
Either that or burning them at the stake if you can round up enough wood……
58.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:47 pm e
Ray Miller: For the most part I believe that if you help someone it is your choice and therefore do expect them to behave in a particular way.
In fact an old scholar actually scaled charity on several levels;
giving support to someone you know who asks for help
giving support to someone you know unasked
giving support to someone you do not know but allowing yourself to be acknowledged for the support
and the highest form of charity is giving support to someone you don’t know and you remain anonymous
As it is said often, “It is better to give than receive..”.
59.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:48 pm e
Adrian Cummings: Life’s just too short to bother with ungrateful people to be honest – just rid yourself of them and move on.
60.
August 1st, 2007 at 4:50 pm e
Allen Crawford: I would never do that. The honour is in the giving. I am honoured that I have been able to make over 275 donations of blood and blood products to hundreds of unknown individuals. I don’t need to hear their gratitude to keep me donating more platelets. I also have provided hundreds of hours of volunteer work as a coach, scout leader, executive member on sports associations, etc.. I didn’t it because it was the right thing to do. I didn’t expect nor look for gratitude from anyone.
If you are expecting gratitude as the end result of assisting someone, then you should ask for it before you exert the effort.
61.
August 1st, 2007 at 7:44 pm e
Dorothy Selgrath: If they need to be reminded, I do so privately, at an appropriate moment. I don’t think in the case of having your life saved, that a reminder should be give, as it is a moral obligation to help someone who’s life is in danger (in my opinion). However, with regard to work, if you are continually “saving someone’s life” – the issue is likely that either you “ned to be needed” and seek to be the knight in shining armour, or the person you are assisting is incapable of performing their job function, and needs coaching rather than someone just doing it for the. In either of these cases, time needs to be carved out for the two of you to discuss those concerns, openly and in a positive way, and then change needs to cocur on both sides.
62.
August 1st, 2007 at 7:46 pm e
Ghada Richani: “Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld French author & moralist (1613 – 1680)
Maybe. I’ll give the ungrateful people this statement on a nice postcard .
63.
August 1st, 2007 at 7:47 pm e
Caroline Cash: Sod ‘em, move on….
64.
August 1st, 2007 at 7:48 pm e
Damian Holbrook: I tell all of their friends how hateful that person is. Kidding. I usually stew over it for a few days, then forget about it and try to to the whole “do unto others” thing. Which doesn’t always work out for me, but it’s easier to move on than to stay stuck in someone else’s ignorance.
65.
August 1st, 2007 at 7:49 pm e
Dr. Franz Thiebaut: My Philosophy is to do my best for everyone. This is true some people are ungrateful but overall they are a small minority. The fact is that most people will be thankful for what you do for them and they will help you in return given the opportunity. These by far outshine the few ungrateful one. I just ignore ungratefulness.
Also be careful not to take powerlessness for ungratefulness.
66.
August 1st, 2007 at 7:50 pm e
Dave Soteros: If I was down and bleeding I think I’d opt for the reminder!
It can be a valuable tool of persuasion in dire circumstances.
Otherwise you shouldn’t feel the need to remind them if they forget.
67.
August 1st, 2007 at 7:51 pm e
Patty Foley: I’ve tried to kill ‘em with Kindness first, be Nice second, and lastly just Smile and thank them for what ever it is in life you can thank them for. Most important – I don’t ‘visit’ them at their level.
68.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:37 pm e
Bart Leahy: I admit to being among the ungrateful, so allow me to offer a little insight into the psychology of those on the other side of this question.
Ungrateful people live with a sense of entitlement. Some of them (like me) at least have the good breeding to feel ashamed when called on their behavior, but on the whole, they expect good things to happen to them and occasionally feel slighted if a particular reward/bennie isn’t what they expected. It’s an ego issue for them (and an unreasonable sense of self-worth), so if you’re dealing with one of these ungrateful curs–and I include myself among them–you can either massage their ego; prepare them by saying, “I realize you might have expected X, but here’s why you’re getting Y”; call them on it and hope you can shame them; or, as someone else suggested, just ignore the behavior.
If you run into me, I’ll usually make an effort to say “thank you.” However, there are occasions when I’ll think to myself, “Well, gee, that’s nice, but I really should’ve gotten the shiny hat and better parking place.”
69.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:39 pm e
Jodi Blackley: My question to you is, “Why is it important to you to be remembered?” There’s not enough information here to respond to your question in totem, but your need to be remembered by this person is more important than the person who you feel “needs” to remember your efforts.
My suggestion is that if the person doesn’t want to take the time to remember your efforts, then it may be necessary for you to move on and not place such high expectations on this person in the future.
70.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:40 pm e
Jeffrey Billeter: I had this internal dilema myself. I love to give, but somehow I could not stomach people’s unwillingness to remember how I went out of my way to give in the past. The end result was this was my problem and not other way around. If you are doing something for some perceived esteem or gratitude then perhaps you are doing these things for your own reasons. If you are truly well intended then it should suffice to be who you are and accept the differences amongst people. One of these differences can very well be short sightedness and self absorption amongst others. If you want selflessness to grow then keep planting seeds, some will grow and sow more seeds while others make not take. You magnanimity will always be a strength and will propel you to the stature of your actions. I realize this lacks the business reference but I believe if you look at things in a philosophical model then they can be discarded or verified with as little human fallout as possible.
71.
August 1st, 2007 at 10:41 pm e
Regina Yau: I was raised to lend a helping hand to anyone who needs it. My parents are good people like that.
HOWEVER, I have also seen my parents get stabbed in the back repeatedly after helping the very same people who did it to them. And they still helped when they could.
I asked them why and my mom simply said (and I’m paraphrasing her here): “Oh, don’t you worry – we’re piling up good karma and their karma will bite them in the ass one day….”
72.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:21 am e
Julie Christine: I do not believe that people need to be reminded that I took the time and made and effort to help them. I made a choice because I wanted to not to get something in return. I am grateful that I was able to assist. Their ungratefulness has nothing to do with me and therefore does not affect me.
73.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:22 am e
Matt Gibbons: It´s nice to be thanked by people for doing a good job, but don´t always expect it.
I´ve met some highly focused people who never really say thanks, it´s not that they want to offend, they just move on to the next challenge so quickly it sometimes doesn´t cross my mind. I´ve also found that these people have pushed me really hard, and I´ve learned a lot from them.
I just recommend that you don´t do stuff for the thanks.
Do it for your own development, the greater good of the organisation and for personal satisfaction and things like that. That way the thank yous exceed your expectations when they do turn up.
74.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:23 am e
Sandra Davis: I deal with people from the point of view that for me, the blessing is in the giving. so. I give genuinely without expecting the same in return. I am always hopeful that the person I have assisted willl do the same for someone else. It’s not my place to spot check them on whteher or not they did so.
Life doles out the appropriate rewards/consequences for givers and takers alike.
But know what your limits are.
When the lack of gratitude becomes painful for you…..cut the ungrateful one loose and walk away. If not, it will kill YOUR spirit and jeopardize all the good that’s coming YOUR way.
75.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:24 am e
Carmel Jackoby: You should not need to remind people of what you have done, you should ask yourself why you, as a person are seeking to remind them. Some people expect to be helped, they will probably never be grateful, for anything as “they are entitled”. Others will not even expect to be helped, yet they will always cherish the help they got. And there are all those in between.
You help because you want to, for the knowledge that you did so. If you seek acknowledgment, you are not truthful with yourself and you will always be disappointed.
76.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:25 am e
Marty Glover: The question is a mix of cultural expectations and personal expectation. Our culture in the US creates little expectation of personal responsibility while the Japanese culture still demands it. The reaction of the society as a whole is the only way to deal with it and ours won’t help you. Long ago I got over the expectation of someone remembering the support, professionally or personally, as an input to their sense of responsibility.
77.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:27 am e
Mamta Narang: Why bother about them? Just ignore and move on. In any case we can’t be god, we were blessed with some potential to help somebody and if the person doesn’t care about that, be big enough to forgive and move on.
78.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:28 am e
Anuja Rathi: I’ve dealt wid such ppl quite a few times in my life, and I must say its extremely irritating and depressing when the ungrateful lot just forget you as if your paths never crossed. Initially I tried to remind them (sometimes tacitly and at other times quite assertively!) about my “favour”. But it dint help; it was as if they’re doing me a favour by being good to me!
I’ve learnt now to let things be as they are, and let ppl do wat they want. If I helped them, it was entirely my own decision, and if they choose not to take account of d fact, then mebe its not important enuf for them, or mebe I’m not important enuf in their eyes. Either way, wat goes around comes around. So my personal mantra has become “dont expect anythin”… dat way life becomes a lot easier and happier as well… Its tough and I often shed a few tears at injustice, but I think I’m getting better everyday.
Its YOUR life and u cant waste it feeling sad and angry at others… If they dont think u matter, then they shudnt matter to you!
79.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:29 am e
Fredric Joss Shelley: I have enjoyed reading the answers to this. It’s not very easy to shrug off ungrateful behavior – I think the best example of this is when we are bringing up children and trying to instill a sense of gratitude in them. It’s a duty to remind children to be communicative and appreciative when a situation calls for it.
It’s important to recognize our own behaviors. When I first started out in business, I was a fast worker, always willing to help out others who weren’t able to finish their day’s work. I realized there was one person in particular who I felt at the time took advantage of this, but to be honest with myself, I had to look at why I felt this way. Was it because this person was not grateful, or because I had never set the boundary to begin with, and was giving more at the expense of my own needs? Sometimes people aren’t as self-aware to know the things about their own behaviors as we might about ourselves and other behaviors. Communication is essential in any situation. Boundaries are important, just as much as being helpful. Finding a balance, however, is a tough lesson to remember and enforce.
80.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:30 am e
Pankaj Trivedi: We are upset when find someone to have forgotten OR may have been pretending to have forgotten our help.
I believe that such people provide us an opportunity to train ourselves. Because human mind is very mysterious and always expects something extra from the ones whom we have helped in the past than what it expects from whom we have not.
If we can train ourselves to help others without any expectation in turn then there should not be any problem in dealing with the people.
81.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:31 am e
John Paul Saunders: People have different styles and you do have to respect that, but the success of that style is what earns the respect. So I view them on a case by case according to the success / impact of their overall approach.
Why a person frequently leaves things to the last minute is important to understand. It could be due to procrastination, over confidence, lack of time management, a lack of caring, a lack of good management, a regularly over committed schedule, or even busy personal lives (like they are a working mother with zero down time for study).
How to manage it, depends on if this person is under your managerial influence, just a frustrating college, or worse if they are your boss. Make light of it bringing it to their attention that others are aware of it. Failing that, discuss it with them and see if you can assist in change.
If you cant manage their behavior (like others have provided suggestions for), then try to manage their contribution / impact – chances are that they don’t hold much credibility with others either.
82.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:32 am e
Pankaj Shukla: Forgive and forget them asap.
83.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:33 am e
Brad Federman: Keep moving forward. When we focus on changing others we are usually let down. The only thing we can do is change ourselves. When we are able to do that we impact those around us.
It takes a while, but it is worth it. If we spend our time looking backwards at problems and people, we are not able to see what is in front of us. In other words…do not let them distract you from your future and new opportnities.
84.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:34 am e
Raj Vadi: When you choose to help someone, do so knowing that you may never be acknowledged for it, it is more important to realize with such an attitude there would far greater number of people who would acknowledge your help, and than those who would not. Bottom line is if you help people expecting their gratitude, then you lose sense of the whole perspective, and will forever harbor feelings of resentment to those who may seem to be ungrateful, which only results in increased stress, and acts as a distraction to your task at hand.
85.
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:13 pm e
Vincent Rios: How do I deal with people who need to be reminded that I took the time and made an effort to help them?
I would (try) not (to) remind them that I took the time and effort. Any reminder on my part would be inadvertent. Once I gave the help, I would be finished. By definition, if I am offering help, I am not expecting anything in return.
I need to add:
-I am a human being with feelings.
-It is my observation that some people treat others like a disposable battery. Meaning, they draw energy from you and then discard you.
With that said:
…It would be nice if the person was friendly to me afterwards. This is something that I typically get from strangers, so I think it is not asking for much.
…If I notice that a person is treating me like a battery (drawing my energy from me by always expecting), I would most likely withdraw from giving help in the future.
86.
August 2nd, 2007 at 1:14 pm e
Dennis Furr: I’m not terribly interested in measuring the success of my assistance in terms of gratitude but instead by the success of others that I have assisted. I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’ve done a good job because I know my personal standards and they are often in excess of expectations. It’s nice if someone thinks to make a kind gesture as the result of a job well done or a bit of friendly advice but it isn’t expected.
The work, whatever it is, should be the reward. If it’s not then perhaps priorities need to be assessed.
87.
August 2nd, 2007 at 4:25 pm e
David Marcotte: Life is unfair, but generally also short. You try to do the right thing and take care of people, even going a little extra. There is an unspoken idea that the generosity will be returned when the time comes. And sometimes it does and sometimes it don’t. So there is a weighting of options, do you give them the slack and respond to their next request for help or cut them off. Too much to do to fix these things.
If it is a situation where you absolutely need to call in a favor and they don’t respond then chance are they can’t help anyway. Move on.
88.
August 2nd, 2007 at 5:52 pm e
William F DeVault: That’s a tough question, as lack of gratitude is a pet peeve of mine. But let’s not talk about me, let’s talk about the framework for dealing with it.
First, let me thank you for posing this question.
I often find myself distancing myself, even declining to help in the future, those who disappoint me in this area. I don’t think people owe me anything when I do something for them, usually out of charitable reflex, but if they don’t acknowledge what was done, I question whether they will learn and grow from the experience of someone showing them such kindness.
It doesn’t become “they don’t deserve it” but more of a “let’s find someone who will benefit and grow from it”.
I had someone in my life a few years ago that I moved heaven and earth for. When push came to shove, they demonstrated the most glaring lack of gratitude. It was difficult for me to walk away, but it was important that I not waste my energies when there are so many people who need help and will at least perhaps learn and grow from your efforts?
Is that fair? Good question, but this is not the question before us.
89.
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:22 pm e
Leri M. Thomas: I don’t want to do things for people as a means to get gratitude. If someone is grateful for something I’ve done, it does them a lot more good than it would do me anyway. A friend once told me, If you’re not grateful for something, you don’t have it. Without gratitude, a person cannot really enjoy anything, nor can they be humble – teachable. Ungrateful people suffer from a joy deficiency. I do, however, note that they are experiencing that void and I try not to let them take advantage of me by draining me of my resources.
90.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:28 am e
Phil Johnson: Do not take it personally.
What others say or do is never about you – it’s about them, their point of view – their reality. By not taking it personally we begin to lower our walls and open up to other possibilities. We step out of our paradigm and begin to see things as they truly are – the true reality. We become both a participant and a curious observer within the conversation. By resisting the urge to react we demonstrate our servant-warrior authentic leadership. Over time our actions may inspire others to do the same.
When you become immune to others’ thoughts, opinions and actions you become more focused, relaxed, connected, effective and happy. This does not mean that you give up responsibility for your actions. What it does mean is that you stop taking responsibility and reacting to the actions of others. By allowing ourselves to look at the thoughts, opinions and actions of others more objectively we also become better listeners.
91.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:29 am e
Jermina Menon: Well, why would you want someone to remember your good deed – if it was done with honest intentions? Yes, if you need a favor in return fine, but then you have done something to get something back – so transacted not really helped out!
My belief, and it stems from my culture, is that you do your good deeds and help whoever you need to. Not necessary they help you back. Someone else will. So it’s not a check book of who you helped and who helped back but how many you helped and home many others helped back. It’s the equation, not its components that matter!
92.
August 4th, 2007 at 10:15 am e
Michael Weinstein: The last advice i gave you (to appease high maintenance people) is going to look different than this.
Ungrateful people are inconsiderate. Unless it is your wife of kids (which happens), then don;’t associate with them.
93.
August 4th, 2007 at 2:59 pm e
Sarah Corr: Don’t remind them, dear. Forget the favors you’ve done, the help you have given, the instant you have completed the act. That way, when a handwritten thank-you note arrives in the mail, it will brighten your day all the more.
If you can manage it, keep doing kind and thoughtful things for those who forget to express gratitude – not because they deserve it or because you hope they will one day wake up and realize how great you are, but because it is the right thing. Whether you call it Karma or conscience or altruism, it does you good to do a good thing.
94.
August 4th, 2007 at 3:01 pm e
Ana Nobre Rebelo Gonçalves: People who has to be remembered of some gratitude for something they had from you, or didn’t notice you was making a favour…or really they are so proud that they cannot admit that once they need help.
Such people are incomplete human being, but they can cause you some hard feelings. It’s up to you to feed that uncomforting feeling or…move ahead. Life is hard, that’s why we all born crying out loud!
95.
August 4th, 2007 at 3:02 pm e
Michael Nicolson: Don’t !!!!! Because they are usually ungratefull, spend your time helping those who appreciate your help
96.
August 4th, 2007 at 3:03 pm e
Roderick Parks: A man was staying at a farm on vacation and noticed a pig in the farmyard that had a wooden leg. He asked the farmer, “What’s so special about that pig, that you fitted him with a wooden leg?”
The farmer described a wintery scene where he had fallen and trapped his leg. He’d been close to dying in the cold when somehow, the pig must have sensed his owner was in trouble, found him in the snow, dug his leg out and pulled him back to the safety of the farm. “That pig saved my life!”
“But why the wooden leg?”
“Well, when you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”
It’s an old joke, but a reminder of the ungrateful exploiter. The trouble is, in your first transaction with someone, you don’t know what the outcome will be, so there is inherently some trust. What’s not taken on trust is spelled out in the small print of the contract terms and conditions (or pre-nuptual agreement ).
If it’s a commercial transaction and the outcome does not meet expectations, then you have to negotiate a resolution, failing that there’s litigation. You also have the option to end the relationship.
If it’s not a commercial transaction, then obligations are not clear cut. If you set your expectations low, usually, you won’t be disappointed.
However, if you are expecting something in return for a favour, question your motives, then make it clear from the outset, if you still expect something in return.
For my part, I hitch-hiked all over when I was a student, but hitch-hiking was already on the wane and I have never been able to offer lifts to people on anything like the scale on which I received them.
Two weeks ago, we had flash flooding. I towed a stranded motorist out of the water and then went out of my way to tow him to a garage. He tried to thrust money into my hands. I refused it, saying I viewed it as a return of favour for one of the many hitch-hikes I’d received many years previously. I don’t ever expect him to remember my face let alone my name any more than I’d recognise any of the kind people who trusted a stranger enough to give them a lift and also a bed for the night, in one case!
Practice a bit of random kindness like this in your daily life and you’ll spread some happiness. One day, you may well be on the receiving end.
97.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:12 pm e
Luan Vu – If the person asks you for favors over and over without being grateful, then the person is either dependent on you or is using you. It could also be that the person has no resources to offer in return, thus the embarassment of acknowledging the favor.
It is best to help when you can, and say ‘NO’ when you can’t. Then, it’s simply a choice on your part, regardless of whether the person is grateful or not. Giving a person water to drink in a desert is simply being a gracious benefator. The reward is knowing that you have the resource and the recourse to offer the drink to a famished person.
Just because one is helping a sentient being does not change one’s attitude from that of helping a nonsentient being, like mending a bird’s wing and releasing it. The bird doesn’t acknowledge that you are doing it a favor, it is simply happy to be able to fly again.
I have helped many people before, only to have them turn against me when I needed help from them the most. My best course of action is to simply realize that it is up to them to decide, not me. And, I find myself stronger for moving on, making me stronger in life to deal with life’s difficulties on my own.
Also, I have received aid from total strangers when I least expected it. And, in those cases, I never saw them again to able to return the favor.
The scale of life never balance when you want it to. It was never in your control to begin with. Better to never think of it in the first place.
98.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:13 pm e
Eugene Jeanne – Most people think of themselves as too busy to acknowledge the help that has been given to them. It’s not that they are mean or wish to be ungrateful on purpose, it is that they just haven’t taken the time to think about how someone else lent a hand to them. Also, I do not think of myself in such high terms that I believe I have the superior right to remind others whom I’ve helped that they owe me thanks and need to acknowledge my help. We are all guilty of forgetfulness, no exceptions. Some more often than others. These persons do not offend me.
Then there is the type of person who is purposely ungrateful and says so. sometimes fairly bluntly. After I’m burnt once, I rather pity them and move on, going out of my way not to help them again.
99.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:14 pm e
Heather Berry – Why should you have to remind somebody that you took the time to help them? Exactly, you shouldn’t. When you choose to help somebody it’s because you want to – regardless of the outcome. There are plenty of people (professionally and personally) I have done a lot for in my life and I will continue to do for them although in return they do little or nothing. I take pride in giving it’s that simple and I ask for nothing in return. One day those people who are not as gratious with thier time will look in the mirror and realize those who helped them.
100.
August 8th, 2007 at 9:47 am e
Robert Entrican – In my profession (technology), ungrateful people are usually arrogant and narcissistic. One of the best methods I’ve used to remind this personality they too require a support system is to humble them. Humbling has a way of resetting our mental high-water mark that somehow instigates an internalized personal learning experience resulting in a mindset change – albeit sometimes temporary . However, most ungrateful people have come to be this way through deliberate and sometimes intelligent deviance. As a result, you have to be very creative in preparing situations where they are certain to learn firsthand what their capacity for success is and when to seek encouragement from those around them.
101.
August 8th, 2007 at 9:49 am e
Jeffrey Brown – It has been a few years since I have seen the excellent film, and I’m sure the book is better by an order of magnitude. I must question your using it as an example in an ethical question because the film (and presumably the book) put more emphasis on cultural differences than on ethical questions.
I humbly assert that the introduction of stark cultural differences muddies the waters, obscuring at least our ability to address the subject in very limited space.
In response to your direct question, I would reply that if I had a duty to help the unappreciative person, I would help him without regard for his gratitude. Absent any duty to help, and barring any special circumstances (ie a child in need of assistance would benefit from help given to the unappreciative adult), he would be on his own.