The gratuitous insult – how do you respond?
Posted by Dr. Earl R. Smith II in Questions, tags: adviser, advisory board, angel investor, board of directors, CEO, chairman, coaching, consulting, director, earl r smith ii, earl smith, Executive Coaching, federal circle, federal contracting, funding, Governance, government contractor, investing, investment, investor, Leadership, leadership assessment, leadership coaching, leadership development, leadership styles, management assessment, managing partner, Personal Growth, the federal circle, turnaround, Turnaround Management, Venture CapitalDr. Earl R. Smith II
Managing Partner, The Federal Circle
DrSmith@Dr-Smith.com
Dr-Smith.com
I have been asking a series of questions about self-sabotaging behaviors. The vast majority of the replies have been constructive and incredibly helpful. But there is one type of reply that is truly self-sabotaging and gives me pause – it involves a gratuitous insult of some kind. When I try to point out that the insult is counter to their interests the person tends to respond with more insults. In a recent exchange, when I asked for clarification of a response I received “If you don’t understand what I mean, then that is probably your problem.” When I pointed out that I found his reply mildly insulting I received “you think you know me enough to think that I am insulting you, which I am not” – as if to say “you don’t get to decide when you feel insulted, I do”.
I would like to find a way to respond that adds value to their lives but haven’t so far. It is quite frustrating and maybe there is no way or it is not worth the effort. What are your suggestions?
© Dr. Earl R. Smith II
~~~~~~~~~~
Related Articles:
-
What do you think about coaches and business coaching?
-
What are the habits of self-sabotaging people?
-
What is your greatest challenge when it comes to business development?
-
What characteristics do you look for in a mentor?
-
How do you deal with hubris?
-
Advisory Boards – productive or a waste of time?
~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Smith is Managing Partner of The Federal Circle. The Federal Circle partners with teams and existing companies. We help them up their game and win big in the Federal space. We also arrange funding for acquisitions and expansion by acquisition. Our model is based on the belief that, if you select the very best and work with them in a highly professional and focused manner, the results will be truly amazing. He is the author of Amazing Pace: Turbo-charged Business Development – a book that shows how Advisory Boards can dramatically increase revenue. Dr. Smith is also the author of Dream Walk: Parables for the Living – a book of Raven Tales and exploration.
Entries (RSS)
Some times you have to just move on and pick your battles wisely. All posts have given good advice but how much is your time worth is how I look at it.
Posted by David Lubert
Hi Doc
Welcome to the internet. Congratulations! You have found an opponent.
its called ‘e-rage’, while searching you out to antagonize you would be ‘trolling’.
Conversations with your opponent serve as a way to pass time, Feel free to ‘squelch’ or ‘ignore’ unworthy opponents… or engage your e-nemy whenever you’re up for a little intellectual chess or feel like blowing off steam.
I find resorting to ‘Mom’ jokes are productive in those situations…
The net sure brings out the Id! Mayhap that Freud dude was on to something.
In summary, have fun with it, or ignore it.
Cheers!
Posted by Ari Kasday
Earl, it depends on your real motive – to assuage the umbrage you took at the comments made or the education that the perpetrator needs in other people’s feelings. Alas, you can’t do both with any clarity but ceasing any further communication with the individual will send a message.
Posted by Andrew White
Gratuitous insults can be met with generous silence. To forgive is divine.
Posted by John Bowman
Drod, I love your response. I agree re the narcissism and “shadows of people” is perfect! I certainly know a couple of those.
“When science discovers the center of the universe a lot of people will be disappointed to find they are not it.” – Bernard Baily
Posted by Pam Witzig
Great discussion, depending on the circumstance involved, what I have done and usually do when that occurs (thankfully not too often) I ask directly what was meant by the statement? Normally the person is embarrased and will back track not wanting to appear so small minded.
Either way, someone said life is too short to deal with mean spirited people, something to that effect. I agree but sometimes you have to deal with the situation at hand, but If you lay down and get stepped on, you will get stepped on again. I just dont put up with it at all…
Posted by Seth Block
If a person gives me a gratuitous insult then a gratuitous prayer – up for their interpertation – seems a fair response. (BTW – my prayer would be and Lord, that person today….thy will be done)
Posted by Joye Chizek
Joye,
Since you are not saying what exactly you will be praying for, your reply might sound mildly scary.
Sam.
Posted by Sam Steingold
I usually just tell them I’d include them in my prayers.
Posted by Joye Chizek
linkedin.comBill,
It is a gift to receive the unvarnished truth. It is a talent to receive it well. Both are necessary. It is a calling to both tell the truth and remain respectful of those present and not present to the conversation.
For a different spin on the importance of civility and respect check out WalkingBear’s discussion on the group Bear Essence. His reflections on the recent dismissal of General McChrystal give some thoughts on professional discourse ( http://www.linkedin.com/groups?gid=3130673&trk=myg_ugrp_ovr ).
Ed
Posted by Edward Souza
Hello, all. Very interesting comments – thank you.
While we can beat that horse to death, looking back on it, some of my best life teachers have been the most caustic folks I know. While I wish my learning experiences on no one, its’ been said life’s lessons are the promises of a gift carefully warped in a problem. Don’t spend too much energy whipping the delivery boy (I know it feels great sometimes!). Seek to understand the gift inside the problem. Sometimes it can takes years, but then, it must really be valuable!
Bill
Posted by Oy Bill Lieu, R.A.
Engage long enough to show the rest of the room that you have the professional grace to be polite and respectful even in the face of such unsophisticated and ill mannered behaviour then disengage and focus back on the polite elements of this audience – idiots like this are out to destroy and undermine to serve some bitter ambition or self promotion need and will never be persuaded otherwise.
If all else fails treat them like a stand up comedian treats a heckler and call them for what they are and have the rest of the audience cheer in support – nobody likes that behavior and you will at least get the empathy of the audience on your side.
Posted by Bill Black
Dr. Smith,
You pose an outstanding question. I share your frustration in seeing responses which are, at best, uncalled for, and at worst, seem intentionally derisive or belittling. That frustration is highest when I am merely an third party observer – wanting to call “foul” – yet knowing that jumping into the fray will only contribute fuel to the wrong fire.
Though ” adding value to their lives” is an altruistic aim, I think there exists deft skill at providing sufficient “acknowledgement” without the detractor becoming the defacto subject of discussion – which, afterall, may be the goal for some whether tacit or not. A skill which, alas, I’ve yet to posess personally.
It seems the best response is one that remains on high ground (respectful), provides some form of acknowledgement, and fosters further constructive participation, as suggested by Mr. Souza on the previous page, and ultimately endeavors to keep on-point. I must say I’ve seen him ( Mr. Souza ) masterfully keep a discussion so well focused that the few making all the ruckus seem to all but fade into the wallpaper quickly. Perhaps it also takes a core group in the discussion to keep things laser-focused so that the discussion is lively enough that there is no need, or time, to respond to the “hecklers.”
It’s a skill I’d sure like to have
Posted by Paul Anderson, AIA, LEED ® AP
I agree with David – reminds me of the Stephen Covey saying “seek first to understand, then to be understood” – call it, ask for more information and then you can decide if it’s a misunderstanding or simply someone being plain rude.
If the later is the case I’m not sure I agree with ignoring it – it doesn’t give them the gift of growth – you should say how you the comment made you feel in a constructive way. Maybe it will mean they will think twice next time, or not, in which case it’s not your problem
Posted by Megan Berghuis
Hello. I’ve enjoyed this thread very much. Thanks to all who posted. Not sure if it’s still in print (Amazon), but “Verbal Judo, The Gentle Art of Persuasion”, was a great read. The author, George Thompson, worked with police officers across the country with their listening and negotiation skills. Good for all of us, I think.
Posted by William Gunnar
Hi Earl,
I believe this person carries some important in your life. It looks like you wish to resolve the conflict you are in with them. I suggest that first you must put yourself in their shoes and then try to look at the world from their perspective and when you get a much clear image of their world you should alter your behavior towards them accordingly.
And to be very honest, if this does not work you should leave them and provide them with time-off till they come back with a much mannered behavior.
Hira
Posted by Hira Gardezi
Hi Dr smith ,
Great Convo .
Some posters bring out thier multiples , because there is no direct accountability for their actions , it is almost like a therapy session for them . Imho you must ignore them , don’t feed them.
I do agree with Mike regards to letting it go . In a lot of forums you really do not know who you are dealing with , the possiblities are endless.
In refference to Carlos corporate multiples , hillarious and I am with you !
Posted by Natalie Walker
David,
I concur with you on the repetition of the offense. Everyone has missteps. Most times letting things slide is sufficient. I usually know when I have been a jerk and try not to repeat it.
The systematic disruption of conversation does pose a problem if it is repeatedly distracting from productive discussions on-line. At that point, a private sidebar is appropriate.
Your 2 cents is worth that and more.
Thanks,
Ed
Posted by Edward Souza