Dr. Earl R. Smith II

27 Responses to “The Ungrateful Dead”

1. June 2nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm e

Robert Majamaa wrote:

The answer is yes. Whenever somebody goes above and beyond the call of duty they should be recognized for their effort, and their supervisor / manager / peers should also be made aware of their work.

2. June 2nd, 2008 at 12:33 pm e

YYRenee Liu S wrote:

over here, even if you are helping someone FREE, you are classified as a moron, and I am still at the moron level after 5 years. let along all the verbal and emotional abuse that comes after you had helped them

3. June 2nd, 2008 at 12:36 pm e

Sheilah Etheridge wrote:

Yes, we should always acknowledge someone’s efforts and also thank them. However, not everyone is comfortable openly expressing themselves so we should also try to determine if they have (in their own way) acknowledged our efforts. If we know them well we can generally figure that out.

I don’t help others hoping to be acknowledged or thanked, nor do cut them off if they don’t. However, if over time they begin taking my good nature for granted and begin feeling entitled to my help I will cut them off.

4. June 2nd, 2008 at 12:41 pm e

Bill Nigh wrote:

I think so.

Just the other day (not that it’s the same thing), my wife and I were discussing how some of our nephews and nieces don’t say word one in response to, for example, flying out to another state to take part in their wedding ceremony, and giving them a gift. I think it’s amazing how this is not part of regular etiquette, but it seems to be something some families simply do not inculcate in their kids, so maybe that’s a factor.

It’s amazing.
5. June 2nd, 2008 at 2:17 pm e

Vinay Kumar wrote:

One should certainly take time to recognize for the helps.
Evan a simple ‘Thanks’ may also go to a long way.

6. June 2nd, 2008 at 2:18 pm e

Vaughan Woods wrote:

Yes, of course you should. If I did not, my Grandmother would reach from the grave and slap me around the head for poor manners….and I’d deserve it.

I often help others. Maybe I’ve been lucky, but I’ve rarely encountered anyone who didn’t thank me for it. At times a small thank you appears at the time of help, followed by a much larger one when time passes and the nature of my help becomes more appreciated….but I would have been already happy with the small thank you.

Just to be devil’s advocate, maybe a thank you is not required. Maybe just knowing you helped someone is enough.

7. June 2nd, 2008 at 2:20 pm e

Mary Cippera wrote:

I believe you receive exactly what you give. Maybe not from that exact person but somewhere down the line. If you are helpful to your colleagues my bet is someone is watching how you conduct yourself. It may be the reason you are asked to lead a team, head a project or are offered the promotion when another more “qualified” person feels they have been slighted. I personally like surprising people in the way I thank them – usually when they least expect it. Many times people have said, “You can’t imagine the kind of day I was having and then your note, email, funny saying showed up.” Perhaps we should treat others like they need to be treated… Just a thought.

8. June 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm e

Cary Sue Lavan wrote:

Yes, you should give a Thank you to someone when they help you. I will even say Thank you when I make the ask.

If they do not at least say thank you for some major help (if it is something simple, like holding a door open, etc I usually let it slide) they they are more likely to not receive help in the future. With staff that reports directly to you, you can always say “You are welcome” after they saw something like “Good” when you have helped them. Coaching them to be polite and thankful is another skill good leaders have.

9. June 2nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm e

Gary Clarke wrote:

You should certainly offer recognition and gratefulness. And for those whom prove to be ingrates will never feel my hand of kindness again, but I would pause at sending out a “blacklist”.

10. June 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm e

Mike Crain wrote:

In short: Always. When someone helps you out, you should always offer a verbal thank you. If it was significant to you, follow up with an email, phone call, or a letter. If they put allot of effort into helping you, then always make sure you put that much effort into appreciation. In a business setting, for excellent service, always let their manager know. Always. And if it’s a connection on LinkedIn, make sure you give them a LinkedIn recommendation.

But blacklisting those who did not show you gratitude is , in my opinion, not a good idea. Maybe they just had a bad day. Or maybe the just forgot, or thought they already had sent you a note.

11. June 2nd, 2008 at 8:48 pm e

Mary Reece wrote:

If I am on the receiving end, then I of course thank someone for the time and effort they invested (and if I don’t I hope that I am reminded of it graciously). I pride myself on being helpful and it is a personal value of mine. Therefore, even if I am not thanked, I still find it worthwhile to help others. Mind you there is a difference between being helpful and being taken advantage of. I’ve had the fortunate experience of being thanked some time after the actual deed and that is especially rewarding. So I guess what I am saying is: if it is important to you to help others, don’t give it up even it you don’t get recognized for it.

12. June 2nd, 2008 at 8:53 pm e

Jagan Narasimhan wrote:

Saying thank-you is a minimum. I tend to reciprocate the favour at the earliest opportunity and / or pay it forward.
Keith Ferrazi wrote a good book related to your question. It’s titled “Never Eat Alone”

Publishing a list of the ungrateful dead seems unproductive.

13. June 2nd, 2008 at 8:54 pm e

Dan Lucarelli wrote:

**always** acknowledge, recognize, and thank the person for their assistance.

It starts with something as simple and inexpensive as a sincere “Thank You.” – preferably, in a public forum. I also try to extend gratitude with a gesture meaningful and personal to them – for example, if I know they like wine, I’ll find a quality bottle “as a gesture of thanks.”

These simple gestures don’t take much time, don’t take much money, yet builds a relationship in ways that are lasting – and meaningful. **All** of the folks who have helped me in the past will take my call again, and will gladly offer assistance again if they are able. I will **always** take a call from someone I have helped in the past, when the person is gracious enough to say “Thank you” for assistance received in the first place.

14. June 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 pm e

Mike Walker wrote:

I try to thank everyone in my path that needs it. Regardless of the part they play. Every morning I walk ito work and I thank the people for cleaning the office, When the waiter refills my glass at lunch I say Thank you. If I get help in the business world I BEND OVER BACKWARD to make sure that person knows how much I appreciate their help.

Never mistake kindness for weakness, and never, ever, forget your manners.

15. June 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 pm e

Luc Malcorps wrote:

Saying thank you for help received is a form of basic hygiene, it should be as natural as brushing your teeth.

More in general, a kind word goes a long way. It costs next to nothing and creates a positive mental ‘LinkedIn’.

Maybe the difficulty in doing so naturally is partly a result of the false unspoken mind setting that “saying thank you” is limited to a child-parent relationship or on a second level a junior-senior contact.
Nonsense: it should be natural behavior between all adults who relate on a basis of mutual respect, between all people.

Saying a kind word is a basic rule of recognition; by seeing and recognizing value in others, you raise value and positive energy in yourself and in any relationship.

16. June 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 pm e

Kathy Crain Eisele wrote:

Absolutely! You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Just a simple thanks will do. Especially if the help was something done outside of their own job responsibilities. I’m not always willing to go beyond my normal job duties to assist someone who did not appreciate it in the past.

17. June 3rd, 2008 at 10:52 am e

Nancy Danczak wrote:

yes, it’s common courtesy. if someone helps you out more than they should or you think they should, return the favor or get them something.

18. June 3rd, 2008 at 10:54 am e

Jason Seiden wrote:

Should we take the time to say thanks? that’s a no brainer: Yes!

But let’s scratch the surface and get back to the original question for a moment:

We have a phrase to describe people who demand recognition in response for help, and another one for published lists of the “ungrateful dead.” The first is “good ol’ boy,” and the second is “blacklist.”

Is it right to say “thanks?” Absolutely. Is it right to demand recognition in return for your help? No way. That breedsa dangerous form of loyalty which in turn leads to complacency, the wrong kind of politics, and diminished results.

You have no idea if the person is paying it forward, withholding thanks because you aggravated them over something else, or sensing an air of obligation and are finding themselves feeling like maybe their thank you would get thrown back in their face–we all know people who help others as a way of earning chits, and I’d wager that most of us have withheld a thank you at least once because it was the easiest way to cut the tie with that person.

If you’re going to help someone, do it because you want to help, not because you want the thanks.

Don’t expect “You give, you get.”

Expect, “You get, you give.”

19. June 3rd, 2008 at 10:58 am e

Prem Kumar Kondaparthi wrote:

Hello Dr.Earl,

The answer is a big Yes.

I heard this in a discourse of an eminent personality.

He says …Either be GRATEFUL or GREAT FOOL

There is no other option!

From then I have been trying to implement this in all walks of life like by saying “thank you” to Taxi guy or even a road side person from whom i take help in finding the way or a place.

20. June 4th, 2008 at 8:59 am e

Shava Nerad wrote:

I think you will find that a sensitivity to what thanks *means* varies from subculture to subculture.

Growing up, I was aware that rural Vermonters had a reputation for being unfriendly to strangers who moved there. But the social fabric was so strong, that once you accepted a neighbor, you owed them anything they asked for within reason. So people would wait a winter or two to see if the new neighbor thrived well enough, and to assess their character.

New England culture, on the whole, reflects this. A strong web of trust relationships — even cronyism — pervades traditional business, and leads to more stability than true innovation. We are a western shadow of the European cultures, I feel, in this matter. If I do a favor for someone, it is often for the sake of a more abstract feeling of altruism or karma — but if I need something they could help with later, and I ask, there is a feeling that if they don’t help, some social contract has been weakened.

When I moved to the west coast of the US some years ago, I found that the fabric of business culture was much more loosely woven. While systems were more transparent and often more flexible and open to innovation — at the same time, relationships were ephemeral, mercurial, and simply nothing you could rely on in the way I’d come to expect.

I remember a colleague in Portland, Oregon who I’d helped out by giving him bits of strategic advice and help in areas I might normally charge as consulting. It was friendly, freely given, and I got cursory thanks.

But when I needed perhaps half an hour or an hour of his time for a project due Monday, and asked him mid-week the week before if I could buy him a cup of coffee, he was “booked up” for the next five days, entirely. I hinted that I had helped him before with various things, giving of my own time freely. However, he had obligations (including going to the gym and various things) that could not be set aside. For five days. Not thirty minutes.

Well, I felt dissed, upset, and a bit insulted and taken advantage of. But when I described the situation to other folks in the Portland business community, several of the purely west coast younger folks shrugged. It was just a signal to go seek help elsewhere; it had no personal weight to them.

Thanks, the karma of favors, gratitude, obligation, honor and other such terms are highly variable depending how you’ve been brought up — manners, yes. But culture also.

21. June 4th, 2008 at 9:03 am e

Kurt Welte wrote:

Yes, it is always a good practice to acknowledge those that take time to provide assistance. In fact if you wish to get the continued support and assistance of your resources, you should make it one of your basic tenets of how you deal with those around you. It does not have to be a major time drain on you, a simple acknowledgment goes a long way. If you do not treat the assistance of others as a valued commodity, then before long those that you are connected to will begin to duck when they see you coming.

22. June 4th, 2008 at 9:04 am e

Kelley Johnston wrote:

Attitude toward others is always important, anyone who thinks different is ignoring an essential aspect of the non-monetary economy that knits us monkeys together. If you’re rude, I can’t help but consider that during the next request. It may not change things — I may hold the hand out again, but I will remember; that kind of response is hardwired in, after all. You remember the man with the knife no matter how altruistic your approach.

That said, I get a boost out of helping folks irrespective of whether they notice me (or even notice that they’re being helped) or not. It’s a cumulative effect I’m after, this altering the comfort level of the human race, something that eventually has a positive effect on selfish me. And I thank people who help me, even when they’re paid or otherwise coerced to help. Part of the service, and the looks they give are entertaining too.

23. June 5th, 2008 at 9:28 pm e

Delnaz Kakroo wrote:

Of course… it goes without saying. It is utmost important to recognize, thank or be grateful to your mentor. This is my thinking as a receiver.
But as a giver – I don’t expect. This helps me to give out the best. The biggest disappointment is when you expect anything out of anyone. The lesson I have learned and would like to share is “We can be a reason for spreading happiness among people and but never let anyone decide your happiness or unhappiness”

24. June 5th, 2008 at 9:39 pm e

Subhasis Banerji wrote:

These are difficult and stressful times for most people. If we are wearing our “compassion and empathy” hat, we can clearly see that. But we sit in judgment too often.

The question asked is should we thank people who help us. Of course we should !

But the bigger question is are WE really aware of how many people help us? The soldier and policeman give us security, the garbage man helps keep our neighborhood clean, the mailman helps us stay in touch with loved ones, Somewhere in the remote corners of the world, someone creates a technology which one day may save our lives and those of our children. None of these people expect or get a thank you often.

Being aware of how lucky we are because of all these people, I feel we should thank anyone we see who is trying to do his or her job sincerely. So when was the last time you thanked the janitor in your office or the woman who cleans the sidewalk cafe you go to? How many of us thank our children for being our children?

You will always find those who don’t thank you. How is ignoring them and not helping them going to change the world? It will only make you a smaller person. This argument holds only if you consider your ability to help as a limited resource which needs to be rationed to a deserving few.

Rather find more people to help because we help in order to grow as a person. It benefits us more than it benefits them.

Somewhere along the way, trust that the goodness you generate will begin to change those too caught up in themselves. Help them even more for these are the people who need help the most.

25. June 5th, 2008 at 9:40 pm e

Arthur Kevin Rabago wrote:

…for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

people who don’t acknowledge and recognize the people who helped them on their way up (hogging all the credit and stealing other people’s thunder), cannot expect to receive any help from the same people on his way down.

26. June 5th, 2008 at 9:41 pm e

Alain Riaud wrote:

YES.

Basic education !

27. June 5th, 2008 at 9:42 pm e

Tim Dawes wrote:

It looks as though a lot of people on the list here feel a moral imperative to say thanks. I do, too. That’s probably good information of itself.

There’s a possibly a bigger story behind that as well. You may remember The book “How the Mind Works” written by Steven Pinker, one of the world’s leading cognitive scientists. In it, he advances the idea that homo sapiens developed such large brain specifically for the task of determining who to trade with. He gives the argument and evidence that we developed a whole constellation and judgments and emotions to make us more effective at ferreting out good traders and bad traders. This is why, for example, the facial muscles that express authentic emotions are controlled by the autonomic nervous system. So we can’t fake emotions effectively.

If he’s right, and he gives pages of citations for back up, then thanking folks is more than just a sweet idea. Our neighbors and colleagues are genetically programmed to look for authentic expressions of gratitude as a sign of someone to trade with in the future.